Dear Tom,
So, you are going to become a father. Congratulations. No matter what happens over the next few months, don't lose sight of the fact that bringing a baby into this world is a blessed event. Since you're as Catholic as a Friday-night fish fry, I'm guessing you already know this.
I don't want to stoop down to the level of celebrity gossip, even if you and your baby momma (this hot woman) split up before knowing you conceived, and you're traipsing around with this hot woman.
Reading over the media reports one thing sticks out to me: Whether Bridget was knowingly trying to get pregnant or not, it seems you were not.
Now, I don't know much about reading a Cover 2 defense, having sex with models, or how to properly care for a cleft chin, but I know a little bit about reacting to an unexpected pregnancy.
And Tommy, since it appears my wife is hours, possibly even a few days more pregnant than your baby momma, I'm clearly the veteran expert - you can learn from me. Let me walk you through the Five Stages of Becoming an Unexpected Father.
1. Denial - This is a common first reaction for most men, and even some women. Myself, I wasn't assured that my wife was pregnant until a doctor said so. The last thing you need as you entered the NFL stretch drive was news that Bridget's knocked up. If I were you, I would have simply brushed it off as a biological oddity, convincing myself that a period was just around the corner. Of course, you are Tom Brady, your spirals cut through double covers, zones, and avoid blitzing linebackers. There is no defense for your sperm when an egg is in sight. You can deny all you want, but it looks like you saved some energy for...
2. Anger - So, she's three months along, which takes us back to late November or December for conception. No need to get upset, Tom, I mean, what the hell else is there to do when you're cooped up at her parent's house over Thanksgiving weekend? Looking at the Patriot's schedule, I'm guessing she told you sometime before you were shut out 21-0 by the Dolphins on December 10. It's hard to be in denial and concentrate on game film - hell, I had to rewind The Office to make sure I got all the jokes - but it looks like you slipped into anger by the next game.
3. Bargaining - If you are anything like me Tom, you've made many a deal in your head with your God: "I'll never drink/smoke/eat the Sunday Sushi Special again" if you could just feel better. And facing an unexpected pregnancy, I was no different. But believe me, no matter how many times you promise to use birth control as properly intended (but I need something to make water balloons NOW, I told myself - I can always buy more later), there's no deal that can get you out of this.
4. Depression - This can manifest itself in many ways, Tom, and frankly, I think you're stuck in this one. I found myself distracted at work, overeating and generally not caring about my physique. I'm a bit worried that you are shirking your professional obligations in Hawaii for golf at Pebble Beach and have been cavorting with models. Remember, Tom, no matter how good you think you feel on the outside, it's how you feel on the inside that counts. If it helps, you can hand over your golf clubs and Gisele's home phone number, and I can hold onto them both until you are ready for...
5. Acceptance - All the baby books will tell you that you should wait 10-12 weeks before going public with a pregnancy (oddly, the books are silent on going public in a newspaper gossip column). The books say it's best to wait, as the chances of miscarriage drop steeply. That's bullshit, Tom.
You have to wait 10-12 weeks to go public because that's how long it takes to say "I'm going to be a father," without mentally adding "so I guess I won't be having any more fun."
To truly be ready for fatherhood, you have to move from acceptance to embracing that you will be a father. Instead of thinking about the diapers you will have to change or the midnight feedings you'll have to wake up for, think about the legacy you are creating - Archie Manning is damn folk hero in New Orleans, and he sucked as a quarterback; think about the road trips you will still take to other cities, and the models and strippers left to bang. Remind yourself that lots of your peers are great parents - if Lebron and Leinart can do it, so can you.
Yours in Impending Fatherhood,
SteveJeltzFan
