An Open Letter to the Three Guys that cheated on me,
How are you? How’s life? Actually, I know you guys are fine, because sometimes I check your social network accounts. And I can see you all have moved forward, are happy, enjoying and someone even got married.
Honestly, I envy you all. That you go on with your life easily, with new partners on your sides. And yet, I am here, figuring what was my fault, what’s wrong with me that it was so easy for you to leave and hurt me. It will always end up to that, I am not enough, because if I was, I don’t think you’ll leave, right?
Did I ever cross your mind? Did it even come to your mind to say sorry to me? To explain what happened and why it became like that, you left suddenly and next thing I knew, you’re with somebody.
At random nights, I have always thought of it. How hard it is for you to say goodbye? How hard it is to end a relationship first before having another one? Why you have to cheat then leave? Why can’t you say to me that you want out of the relationship? Either way it will hurt and break me, why don’t give at least some courtesy? I can’t imagine how you choose to break me the worst way, when you can make it in a nicer way.
Do you know how difficult it is to just deal with things because you don’t have any choice? Because I was left alone, I just need to move on. I need to forgive you even you didn’t apologize. I need to accept it all. That I need to be tough and I tried hard not to break down. How painful it is to keep inside and pretend to be just fine, for my family not to worry about me. All I could do is to cry silently, when all I wanted was just to burst it all out. When waking up every morning from almost sleepless nights is like a nightmare. And every time you passed my mind, I will feel this pain in my chest, the difficulty in my breathing and the tears in my eyes building. I was just existing but not living.
I have always blamed myself. I was not able to satisfy you, I was never enough for you. I did my best, but it was never good enough. I felt like I was the lowest of the low. I’ve had so much difficulty building confidence, and building up again myself, yet it was so easy for you to destroy it. I understood you, I forgave you, I cared for you, I loved you, and if there are things I still lack to, you should’ve say so, because I’ll do it for you. I know, I am not that woman that you can brag about physically, but if you just want that, you should’ve never chosen me. You should’ve not wasted your effort courting me neither pursuing me. You should’ve chosen someone better, and by then you avoided hurting me.
You know how traumatizing it is? That every time someone tried to be close to me, I will shove them or I will run away. I will act cold and that I don’t care. The doubt and fear is always inside me. Doubt about myself and fear of dealing with the whole thing again. I took mentally note of it, that if I don’t want to be in the same situation again, I’ll just avoid it. And yes, I am avoiding being close, attached and in love with someone. I am not hurt, but I am not happy either. From heartbreak, moving on, loving again to being broken again. The cycle was tiring. I ran out of will to try again. I am not even sure if I will ever have the courage again to try. Experiencing it thrice, I’m not hoping for happy ending. I’ve had enough, I guess. I reached the limit.
To M, N and R, please don’t ever let your new partners feel what I have felt. Don’t let them experience what I have experienced. Don’t let them feel worthless. Don’t let them feel they’re never enough. You chose them over me because they’re better than me. And I hope whatever you found in them that I don’t have, will be enough for you. Be contented with them. And if you really can’t, please have the courage to explain why, end the relationship and say goodbye.
I never regret loving you three, I was happy while I was in relationship, that what I know.
