So this is the only place I can be honest. So I will be. If you read this and are offended, don't read it again.
I never cared that you judged me, you had no right to anyway. But I still want to say my piece.
I don't know I want to have a child or not, but because I cannot conceive naturally, I am going to go through IVF. Even though I'm not sure I want a child.
Why am I going to try IVF? Cos it pisses me off that my body can't do what all women take for granted that they can do. Getting pregnant, must be one of the most natural thing to happen to women. But I cannot experience that due to way my body is.
It's no one's fault. It's not my age. My mum had the same issue, so for all I know, I've always been like this.
So I can't get pregnant. Regardless if I want kids or not, the fact I can angers me. How dare my body cannot do what others can!
If this was like running 100m at certain time or do a particular gymnastics move, win a chess game against a grand master; practice and training can get me up to a point. At least you can try and know it when you reach your limit or succeed.
But what can you do when you are infertile? You can't train your body to become fertile again. Not with my way of infertility. It's something you do - have sex, wait for sperm to reach your egg, and voilà.
And when your husband is infertile too? If it was just me, maybe I'd have had treatment that was just taking drugs to boost something or rather. But because my beloved S has such reduced sperm count (again, born this way) it has to be IVF.
In a way, it's a good thing. If it was just one of us who were infertile, blame game would start inevitably. When it's both of us, we got no one to blame, We are match made in heaven. An adult-only heaven.
Neither one of us are sure we want kids. It's only been 4 years since I met him, married for 2 of that at this point. We're still in that bubble where we can't see anyone but each other (some celeb crushes aside) and I can see us being like that for years to come.
There are so many things I want to do with him, so many places I want to show him, want to see it for the first time with him. Things I can't do if we had a child - well, we probably can but with added cost and logistical difficulties.
Those who already are mothers would just tell me not to be stupid, you can do all those things and more with a child!
You can, but I've seen how stressful parents travelling with a child can get. Frankly, they're not selling travelling with kids as a pleasant experience.
Another reason for IVF. So I can tell people At Least We Tried.
Yup, I am doing it so that when it fails - cos come on, 30% success is really not high is it - and people do the insensitive "So when are you two having kids?" inquisition, I can turn around and say
"We did try. We even tried IVF. It didn't work. So we decided we will live for each other and enjoy our life together for as long as we can."
In your face you insensitive morons! I can't wait to see the 'oh shit' face on whoever asked me that question.
For those who told me I must be missing something by not having a child; how can I miss something I never had or wanted? But you, I bet you miss your carefree days without children right? Cos you had that and you don't any more.
And you - yes you - who kept asking me what are we doing 'as couple with no kids' with so much sarcasm and poison dripping from your words; it is not my fault you have days when you regret having kids. It's not my fault your life choice led to you feeling like you lost your freedom. It's not my fault you are jealous of me.
For those who says I don't wish to take up the responsibility; sure I don't. But how dare you insinuate I have no responsibility in my life. Are you stupid? Having no child doesn't mean I have no responsibility in my life, I just don't particularly hunger for the one you are talking about.
I mean, I know a guy with 4 kids - 3 his own, 1 adopted - who left them all so he can move to Canada from UK to be with the woman he had an affair with. Oh yeah, he took his responsibility as parent really seriously. Didn't he do well!
For those who warns me I'll be lonely in my old age if I don't have kids; Really? Having kids is a guarantee you will not be lonely, is it? Let's see, there are PLENTY of families - parents and children, siblings, spouses - who become estranged all the time. Even if you are on good term with your child, they are going to have their own life. There is no guarantee they will include you, they will live near you, keep you in their life. So I am not going to procreate for sake of that. I'd rather keep making effort so my husband and my friends wants to keep knowing me, and to live healthily so I can be with them as long as possible.
Deep down, I know our attempt at IVF is going to fail. I bet it will at the first hurdle - egg collection. And when that happens, I will cry, then we will get over it.
I am going to get fit - I'm UK size 8 to 10 but I want to be size 6 to 8. I want to spend money on things only couple without kids can have and enjoy, cos what's the point of doing same things as parents do? If our life is going to be without a child, I might as well enjoy the benefit that can bring.
And love my husband everyday.
...and if by some chance we do end up with a child, then I will adjust.
But I can tell you this, I am not capable of loving anyone more than I love my husband. I chose him and he chose me; you don't find love like that just anywhere. So the child will have to live with that.