Dear married couples,
I write this open letter in a bid to help those who may be in a similar situation to one that I was in. That situation is of dealing with a marriage that is going through tough times...in fact this advice spans past marriages and into all relationships!
Let me begin by explaining. My wife and I have been together for 9 years (6 of them as a married couple), we do not claim to be the perfect couple, of course we argue about the things that everyone else does but we are also fairly laid back. So you could imagine my wife's growing distress when these petty and regular arguments about unpaid bills and messy rooms etc became a lot more like direct criticisms at her character.
It wasn't that I didn't love my wife I just found myself becoming more and more agitated by those little things, which we can all agree aren't really grounds for a full-blown argument. As you can imagine what was essentially venting for me was taken a lot more seriously by my wife who began to question my feelings for her and her feelings for me. This led to all kinds of those uncomfortable conversations that neither party enjoys having. But what did come from it was the understanding that both of us needed to not only change our habits but also change how we treated one another...in other words to stop taking each other for granted.
Very luckily for me I have a friend who had been through something similar and they had some great advice which helped us get things back on track.
First of all, it isn't always best to walk away from an argument! My grandma always told me that her and granddad would argue but they would never go to sleep mad at one another...now my mother informed me that this wasn't always the case but it does hold true and there is nothing worse than trying to sleep on an argument. what you must realise is that conflict is normal and people (regardless of how close they are) are always going to clash, but that doesn't mean that you have to resort to name calling or sarcasm when listening to them.
One of the simplest ways to stay close is to be close! be more affectionate with one another! Run your wife a bath if you know she's going to be in after you and if she's had a long day, give her a massage and remember that physical affection is a great way to reduce stress.
Changing how you communicate is an easy way to avoid arguments and pointing the finger. If you are going to be accusatory towards someone then you can expect them to react defensively. Therefore don't allow emotion to slip into a conversation and instead explain your side of thing, for example: "I thought we were going to eat together tonight" instead of "we had plans! you never pay attention to what I say" etc.
Spend time together in the environments that bring out the best in both of you. If you and your partner squabble whilst sat inside all day then go get some fresh air, plan a nice walk in the park and a picnic. Don't allow yourself the opportunity to get frustrated or to be in the situations that you know aren't beneficial. My wife for instance never enjoys tidying, so now it's something that I'll do when she's not around. this way I'm not frustrated when she is there and doesn't help and she doesn't have to deal with me making a racket. Yes it might sound like a silly example but after nearly a decade of this it's enough to make you flip occasionally.
Overall the key is to be positive! You love one another and should remind each other of it. Marriage is an ever changing experience and therefore you must adapt and grow to make it a success. I hope that my experiences can be used to help you avoid them all together!
Sincerely,
A reinvented husband
