Dear you,
I deal with anxiety every single day. It follows me around like a shadow everywhere I go. It’s hard to explain to people who don’t deal with this problem and how some days is a complete uphill battle. But I want to be fair to you and I owe an explanation to everyone my anxiety affects. Some days it literally feels like I am drowning and everything is a fight. I am sorry because sometimes I ignore your texts or messages because finding the right words in certain situations is not something I can always find and then I panic not knowing what to do. I am sorry sometimes I bail last minute from plans. I sat too long thinking and re-thinking of everything that could go wrong. I am sorry that sometimes I seem really, really busy. I probably have nothing to do that day but I just can fathom leaving my safe, comfy house. Sometimes I sit in my car and have a mental fight with myself just to push myself to get out of the car and go socialize.
Describing the anxiety world to someone who doesn’t have it- is hard. Us anxiety sufferers are chronic over thinkers. We are nervous always. We are afraid of things we have NO idea even why they even frighten us. We are insecure about every little detail you probably didn’t even notice. Putting ourselves out there and being judged are common thoughts to us. Public speaking is the worse thing we could ever imagine. We bite our nails. We pretend we’re on our phones. We fake sick. We leave things early, always. We have excuses. We practice conversations in our head over and over to make sure we get it right. We’re awkward. We can never stop our reeling minds from saying the ‘wrong’ thing. Confrontation is terrifying if not through a safe computer screen. Even then, we are just going to obsess. Being ”the new kid” in any situation is terrifying. Panic attacks are a familiar feeling to us. Feeling alone when surrounded by people is a familiar feeling. We constantly think people are talking about us, staring at us or judging us. It is a exhausting, never ending cycle.
As our friend, please don’t telling us to simply ‘calm down’ or ‘stop worrying’. Please stop using phrases that imply that we should be able to control our anxiety. It’s not that simple. Just know we know, that this is a problem. Just listen and be there. Don’t think this is a crutch we are using to be an asshole or antisocial. Don’t think we are using this diagnosis for attention. Don’t make us feel stupid for panicking. Try to not get mad at us for breaking plans. Just know we are trying. Staying home where you are alone, is easier then facing the world. We don’t lie to hurt or deceive, but because we feel it’s the only way to cope. I know our simple mental health problem doesn’t seem like a big deal to you- but it consuming to us. And just know, we have tried to find solutions. Medications never feel right in our bodies, yoga and meditation can’t shut our busy thoughts out. Neither does running or other physical actives Pintrest or Google suggest for anxiety resolution. One can only drink so much tea and therapy is fucking expensive. We’re always searching for that thing that will help take the edge off and make us feel ‘normal’.
So thank you for being understanding. I love you for it. Mental illness is real, even if you can’t see it. Stigmas can suck it.
Sincerely,
Your friend Jenny
