Hello, Ricketts!
Man, you guys look tired. If I owned the Chicago Cubs, I would be, too. The city won't let you put up big signs at Wrigley Field, the rooftop businesses that are stealing your product want to be able to continue stealing your product and you want to have more night games. You also have to spend time in a small room with Rahm Emanuel, which can't be pleasant.
You can have all your baseball dreams come true in DuPage County! You can put up signs as big as a mall, and you can build fortress-like walls that will keep rooftop parasites out. In fact, we can build a stadium that makes it impossible for anyone to try those roofie shenanigans. My first thought was a mile-wide moat with crocodiles, but I think there's an opportunity to tie it in with your franchise. Unfortunately, baby bears are more cute than threatening. We'll have to give them weapons. Baby bears with assault rifles ought to do it. This ain't Cook County!
And, hey, have as many night games as you like. We don't care! It's your stadium. Do as you please. (Just make sure the lights are off by 10 p.m. Some of us have a long morning commute into the city.)
You can build that stadium anywhere you want. Downers Grove, Glen Ellyn, Addison (for a bit of nostalgia). Naperville also has one of the best TGI Fridays I have ever had the privilege of dining at! Post-game, your players can celebrate their win by washing down Bacon Mac and Cheese Bites with Oreo Ice-Cream-tinis. “Yummy in the tummy,” as it says on my hat!
A place where the Cubs can be appreciated. Here's the thing, Ricketts: Chicago doesn't appreciate you. Come to where you are wanted. Leave behind the beer-soaked, vomiting fans, the congested streets, the overpriced peanut vendors, the ticket scalpers, that sketchy Taco Bell, the random fistfights/knife fights/gunfights. No more North Side-South Side rivalry. No rooftop vendors! What's up with having to please those knuckleheads? That's like having to leave your window shades up because the peeping Tom across the street can't see you change into your PJs. Ridonkulous! We're good neighbors in DuPage County. When we peek in your windows, we won't try to sell you tickets.
The most important reason of all, Ricketts . . . NO MORE CURSE!
It's true. I checked into this. I asked a representative of a certain ethnic group about curses. I don't want to say which one because in the suburbs we are very culturally sensitive, but whichever one you thought of when you read that, that was the one. And they promised me that this whole goat thing is purely geographical. As long as you stay in Wrigleyville, you are doomed. Doomed!
Hunker down in DuPage County and win yourself a World Series or two. Imagine “Home of the 2014 Willowbrook Cubs®”!
Build it and we will come.
Sincerely,
Skip “Cubs Fan 4Ever” Blatherly
