Dear Dad,
It's me, your child. The Robert Griffinfant. I'm writing this letter to you from the inside of my mom's stomach (by the way tell her to knock it off with all the broccoli LOL!)
I wanted to write you because I love you but frankly I'm a little concern that the only child you should be worrying about is the one in the mirror no offense. You've already got people who depend on you to let them down there called Redskins fans! Don't get me wrong Dad I think your going to be a great father but the most important thing in your life right now should be making sure that your playing sports good- in other words if I were you I'd be more concerned with finishing inside the red zone on the field – not in the bedroom. And while I'm flattered by all the attention you've shown me on social media recently, even giving me my own hashtag "#BoyOrGirl," but maybe you should be spending more time worrying about Xs and Os then Xs and Ys. Just my take dad. Your just going to confuse the average Redskins fan who probably thinks chromosomes are a new kind of rim – no offense to the dimwits in the DMV.
And I know your used to sucking from the teeth of your corporate sponsors, but its time to consult with a pediatrician instead of just having mommy drink neonatal vitamin flavored Gatorade all day. Its just gross especially considering the first words I ever heard during conception were "Is it in you?"
Some of the fellas around the womb have been putting weird thoughts into my head and asking me if your just having a army of kids so that you have a never-ending supply of replacement parts. While on one hand I respect your ingenuity in creating the worlds first MCL farm, on the other hand- wait my other hand hasn't developed yet. LOL, I'm a fetus!
Also Dad, please don't let mommy give birth to me in a bathtub or like in a room full of crystals surrounded by prescient sea life or whatever. I know your a big proponent of having unorthodox deliveries but Id also like to remind you that hospitals can be good places despite your personal history. Also, don't believe that doctor when he tells you he's a OBGYN. Hastily sewing up an ACL is one thing, but well lets just say I wouldn't trust him near a perineum specially if I'm as awkward at sliding as you.
Right now I'm pretty much operating out of a gimmick uterus in a system that will coddle me instead of preparing me for the next level playing with the big boys but Im still hopeful. The difference between me and you is its looking like it will take me only 9 months to develop and they'll be ready to cut the cord. You know they say that parents always want a easier life for their kids then the one they had themselves so I'm thinking maybe you can get me signed up for soccer.
Yessir, dad. We're going to be thick as thieves. Me and you are going to make the Shanahans look like they have a healthy relationship. And I bet your going to be glad to have someone who calls you "Pops" out of love and not just because of the sound your knee makes. I'm so happy to get to meet you but don't let me take your focus away from what really matters – football. You've got a pretty bad track record in terms of letting family become a distraction given your dad's presence in the locker-room and also the fact that you keep losing your job to Cousins.
In the meantime I'm going to try to keep my head down in preparation for my own birth. You might feel a little overwhelmed at times since there is no playbook for being a father but its not like you'd read it anyways!
Just kidding,
RG4
