I was never one who had much self confidence.
If we're being honest, I lacked it completely for many years.
But then I found it. I realized all the energy I had wasted hating myself was easily converted into accepting and loving myself.
I realized I wasn't someone who needed to be hated, especially if I felt like I was enough the way I was.
And then you came along. You came along and one look into your beautiful eyes and I was gone. I was completely trapped in your game.. too bad I didn't realize it was a game at the time.. If I had.. well if I had then maybe I could have saved myself.
At one point you told me I made you happy. You said "I love you" daily.. We talked every minute that we could, my phone seemed to always be ringing with another message from you. That went on for months, and I felt on top of the world. I felt invincible.
But somewhere in those months things changed, and I found myself constantly waiting for a reply. Sometimes it was hours, other times it wasn't until the next day. The conversations were short, dull, generic. Soon I felt like I was talking to an acquaintance, not the person who I loved.
I started to wonder about my self worth.
Maybe if I was prettier you'd respond.
Maybe if I was older you'd find me more interesting.
Maybe if I was interesting you'd want to keep talking.
Maybe you were losing interest completely in me, and maybe that was my fault.
Maybe I wanted too much too fast. Maybe I was in over my head.
Maybe you never loved me, maybe I was just good for your ego.
Maybe you realized that they were better. They had more to give. Maybe you realized I was never going to be as valuable as them.
I know I realized it.
I would lay in my apartment in bed at night and wonder what it was I had to do to be enough for you to choose me. I wondered what it was I was missing that made you think I was worthless now.
Was it the distance? I had recently moved and I thought maybe it was more convenient for you to stick around them. The other girls.
Yes, because of course there was more.
And I went along with that for so long... so I know that's on me. You gave me options, and I chose you.
I still choose you. I was hoping you would choose me too.
But lately it's been clear that you won't ever choose me. Because I am not enough.
I will never fucking be enough.
And I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry that even when I bent over backwards, gave up so many dreams, pushed away so many people - all to accommodate your wants and needs - I'm sorry that I wasn't doing enough. I'm sorry that I could have done more yet I didn't.
No. No I'm fucking not.
I will never apologize for not being enough for you.
Because I am.
Out of everyone, I had the most to offer. I did the most for you, I put you before me. I loved you despite you destroying me with every text and night spent on someone else.
I was enough for you. But you were never, ever enough to love me right.
So I'm sorry for you, and for your loss. I'm sorry for the night you lay in bed and realize that I was the best fucking thing you had.. and you just let me go.
All because you thought I wasn't enough.
I'm so glad that I know differently.
Because I am enough. I always was.