Do you enjoy going to bed and feeling well rested in the morning? What about when you look in the mirror and actually like what stares back at you? It must be nice to have motivation in the things you have a strong love or passion for.
Me? Well, today I slept in until 1 in the afternoon because I couldn't fall asleep until 5 am. This is what happens when you constantly fight your inner demons. Theres no downtime. They don't take breaks. And neither do I. My struggle is actually finding the energy, physically and mentally, to do the things I actually enjoy doing. Do you ever have the feeling like one day your are just going to wake up and just feel nothing? I do. I feel as though one day I am going to wake up and just numb down to the core.
This doesn't upset me, though. It actually is almost something I plead for. To feel nothing. Because too often I feel everything. I feel sadness. I feel happiness. I feel anxious. I feel tiredness. There is never a consistence with my emotions or attitude throughout my days. I never know when I'm going to be sad all of a sudden. Or when I'm going to have a panic attack and freak out literally over nothing. My whole life sits on the edge, waiting to be pushed off.
My anxiety gives me anxiety. Sounds ridiculous right? No but I mean it. I genuinely can say that my anxiety controls my life most of the time. I could be sitting by myself listening to music and all of sudden I'll lose a grasp on my breathing and then I will start to sweat. My eyes twitch. My ears get hot. And why? I'm sitting in my room doing nothing. What do you mean I can't enjoy the little things I have left? Hell, I go out of my way to avoid any social confrontation I potentially will have in a given day. And I only do this so I don't embarrass myself or even worse, freak out.
Anxiety and depression made me turn on myself. I hated myself for the longest time. Thinking how something like me could be so selfish or worthless. How, a single person like me wanted more than I could get. Those goals I had? Out the Window. The success i had in school? Down the drain. Because I was my own worst enemy. I didn't want myself to think that I was special. Why would I be special? I'm not special.
I'm better but I'm still not. I'm stronger but I'm still weak. I will never be 100% me. And I have accepted that. But don't you dare say to me that I'm milking it. Or that people have it worse than me. Or even to just STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. You think I enjoy being this way? You think I enjoy making myself miserable? Somedays I can fight back. Other days I don't have the energy. But what am I to do? My life revolves around my anxiety. And my anxiety controls how I function.
One day I will be free of my baggage.
And when that day comes
then I will be truly okay. Not alright. Not perfect.
but okay.
