Dear people who try to have sex in clubs...
We shouldn't need to have this conversation. You should already know what you're doing wrong. It will be incredible if people have never berated you before for your weird and worrying shenanigans.
But you don't, do you? You don't know what you're doing wrong. That is the worst thing about this whole problem. It is a problem perpetuated by the horny and the oblivious.
Anyone who's ever been on a night out will know that it can be utterly destroyed by the grim spectacle of two people basically having sex in front of an entire club's worth of people. If you're one of the people who think that it's all right to flap your bits around while other people are trying to dance with their friends, then you need to be told: stop it. Stop it. Stop it right now.
Of course, one of the things lurking at the back of people's minds when they go clubbing is "Am I gonna get with someone tonight?" And of course, it's far nearer the front of some people's minds than the back. That's fine. We're human. We're horny. It's OK. When you're at uni you're a horny, sweaty animal, desperate to get laid and desperate to have pizza (preferably at the same time). I get it. It's all right.
But sex at clubs is a step too far. It's where horny becomes unbearable. It's where lust becomes public indecency.
If you've ever met someone who likes the idea of being in the same public space as two people basically making sweaty love while lying on the dancefloor of a sweaty club, you have met a liar. You were talking to someone to whom the truth meant nothing. No one likes seeing two rutting, grunting drunks as their hands fumble over one another and their lips dance a disgusting dance of love. This is an act to which no one other than the participants should be witness.
Everyone will be able to recount a story in which the over-enthusiastic couple lurking in the corner of a club suddenly get a bit too gropey, and before long, trousers fell to the floor and security got involved because someone spotted a willy. These stories are like Kim Kardashian - no one needs to hear them. If you are one of the culprits in these club sex crimes, you need to get a room. Once you've got a room, you can do whatever kind of sex stuff you like and as you climax can scream the names of whichever Doctor Who is your personal favourite. But - and this is the important bit - you won't be doing it in full view of approximately 600 people, all of whom want to push you over.
OK, so you're feeling a bit horny when you're at a club. You see someone you like. They're feeling the same, and you're not a fool - you can see where things are going. This is all normal; nothing out of the ordinary. But this is also the point at which you need to look into your soul and say, "Where will sex be better - here, where I will be watched by hundreds of people or where I fall into the toilet and have to ask security to winch me out - or at one of our flats, where we will have all the time in the world and where there will probably be a nice soft bed that isn't covered in other people's sweat, drink, and tears?"
Please, for everyone's sake, choose the latter option. You will not regret it.
Yours sincerely,
Everyone who doesn't try to have sex in clubs
