Dear Morons,
I’m sorry, did that start a bit harsh? You’re probably right. How rude of me. Let’s try that again.
Dear Human Filth,
What, still too much? Bah, there’s no making some assholes happy, that’s for sure. Let’s just continue on.
Dear Disgusting Representation of Mankind,
It must be very hard for you, to turn on your cable television every night in search of the most basic information which is available on multiple platforms. Obviously your desire to sexualize and/or actively comment on the wardrobe of others cannot be satisfied by the internet alone. Has anyone told you about porn sites yet? Boy, are you in for an exhaustive, carpal-tunnel inducing time!
But I digress. Of course it is disgusting when a woman, who is actively assisting the continuation of the human race, wears anything that offends your personal sensibilities, few as they may be. For shame, Kristi, for thinking you could be a wife, mother, and have a job at the same time. What’s next, the right to vo- oh. Uh, wait. Sorry, sorry, ha ha, for a second there I thought it was the early 20th Century, but looking at the digital date and time on my miniature computer I see that it is actually the year 2015 and what Kristi Gordon wears should be the least of our problems.
Granted, I consider myself a worldly person. Unlike the rest of you fornicating douchehats, when Starbucks is out of blonde roast I don’t immediately spit on the barista and call them fascists or make comparisons to Hitler. When my local weather person appears, pregnant, my first thought is not “Ew, gestation!” but more “Gosh, I wonder how far along she is? Is the baby healthy? I hope she is taking care of herself. I hope her hubby is spoiling her. I bet her eldest child will be an awesome big brother/sister.” But, you know, I guess I’m just unique like that.
Don’t get me wrong, I can appreciate that horizontal stripes are (allegedly) not flattering on a larger belly, but I’m also aware that ISIS is a serious international issue that needs to be addressed, and I guess I just can’t understand why anyone in their right mind thinks it’s appropriate to write in to a news station to insult a woman based on her clothing choices while pregnant. Are you really that caught up in your own, tiny, tiny world? Are Kristi Gordon’s fashion choices literally going to make or break how you receive your weather news on a daily basis? Because, let me tell you, if they are then I think I speak for everyone else when I say ‘good riddance’.
The world is not a nice place, and you are not a nice person. I am also not a nice person, but I like to think that when I am actively not being nice it is more like Batman going around breaking the legs of criminals to make the rest of Gotham better, as opposed to your Mean Girls not-a-nice-person attitude.
I would go so far as to say that your personality is toxic, a poison to the rest of us that just want to get through the day, content with who we are and the choices we make, knowing that we do the best we can with what we have. People who active try to be happy and supportive of each other, people who have a rational sense of what the world is like and what they need to do to continue making the world an okay place for the rest of us.
You are not that sort of person. You are scum. Bad enough that women (and men) are constantly under pressure to look a certain way, to act, to fulfill their gender roles in a manner that suits the rest of the world when none of the rational thinkers out there think it is logical, but to go out of your way to compare a pregnant woman to a whale or whatever the hell else you’ve said… Come on, douchebag. What the actual fuck? Aren’t we all criticized enough on a daily basis as is? Aren’t we hard enough on ourselves? Why be hard on each other.
Cut that. You aren’t hard enough on yourself. The very fact that you thought it was okay to send such a letter, anonymously, you brave, brave soul, indicates that you need to take a few minutes, hell, hours, and do some serious soul searching. Maybe find that giant, rotten section of your body that you call your heart and cut it out, then replace it with something more useful, like, oh I don’t know, a Beanie Baby. Just a tiny one. Obviously there isn’t a lot of room in your chest cavity for one of those big ones.
Most irately,
Kathleen Sawisky, Esq.
