Dear Open Toed Shoes (including but not limited to Flip Flops, Sandals, Crocs and “Peepers”),
Hello my warm weather friends! The weather is heating up, so it’s time we meet again. My children have been requesting your presence both in their closet and on their feet ever since temperatures officially hit the 70’s a few weeks ago. And I understand, because I like you too (especially you Mr Flip Flop) but before you make your return this year there are a few things I’d like to talk about.
1) Your durability. It’s mediocre at best. I’ll take partial blame on this one for purchasing you from Target rather than LLBean. But still, I expect more than a weeks worth of wear, even on an elementary school boy.
2) Your mastery of the game hide and seek. Similar to the other shoes involved in my children’s life, you seem to be a pro at pulling disappearing acts. If I had a nickel for every time I found a “lost” shoe, I’d be sitting pretty next door to Bill Gates. However, when the other shoes hide, I usually find them under the bed. But you Mr Sandal, are known for your wild locations. You hide in the yard. You hide at summer camp. You hide at the neighbors house. We sometimes spend days looking for you only to have you turn up a week later at the swimming pool lost and found with no indication of how you got there. This never happens with Winter Boots, perhaps he can teach you a lesson or two about staying on a child’s feet while out in public.
3) Your smell. I try not to judge. Really, I try. But I did notice that when I first purchased you on that fine June day of 2014 you smelled rather similar to a new car. And that was nice. So why, just a week or two later, when I started smelling what can only be described as “cheese and vinegar cocktail” while watching TV late one night, was the smell traced back to your hiding spot under the couch? I’ll grant that part of the problem may indeed be a lack of personal hygiene on my children’s behalf, but I truly believe the greater culprit is the blistering heat coupled with your lack of a porous sole.
4) Your appearance with socks. I concede that socks may help with the little problem we talked about earlier. But they look silly. Next time one of my children tries to pair you with socks, would you back a lady up and tell my kids how ridiculous they make you feel instead of just sitting there silently? Thank you.
I hope you understand, that these points are not to criticize you personally but to help you grow as a shoe. I hope we can work together to make these changes, and I look forward to both your comfort and ease in the warm days ahead.
Sincerely,
Erin Bohn
