Oh how I want you to open up and reach out to somebody now instead of waiting almost a year later. What you thought was a diet, isn't. It's an illness. An illness that makes your Generalized Anxiety Disorder much more severe, that causes depression to keep you from socializing, that brings guilt in to consume your mind, and that plants another voice inside of your head.
Oh how I wish you could be past denial and into acceptance before the physical, emotional, and mental damage. Your long, think, curly red hair will fall out in clumps, your pale skin will turn yellow, the scale will dictate your mood and life, food will become the enemy, and your mind, oh your mind will become so distorted. The sight or thought of food will make you panic, cry, and feel guilty, yet food is the only thing on your mind. You crave it so bad but avoid it and ignore the hunger pangs. You run 7 miles a day, do hours of ab workouts, and only eat one stalk of celery for 3 months straight then find out your colon will never function properly again because you ruined it. You live in so much pain and shame because you're afraid of food and gaining weight. People go from congratulating you to worrying about and questioning you. You fake a smile and lie about your "diet."
This works for so long until you almost pass out and start having more panic attacks. You could've avoided getting taken out of classes due to panic attacks. You could've prevented having to open up almost too late and having to tell your parents. You could've avoided those ER visits, medicines, inpatient stay, and outpatient therapy. You could've avoided names like "Ethiopian Child" and phrases like "go eat a cheeseburger, large fry, and large shake ya twig" and you're offended because you think you're obese at 95lbs. You could've avoided the hardest journey of your life: recovery.
Recovery where you faced forced weight gain, bloating, panic attacks, cutting, suicide attempts, tears, breakdowns, relapse attempts, and just heartache. But you didn't. You continued to starve your life away because you wanted to be thin. You will love the way your bones feel when they stick out completely and you will hate the weight gain that covers them back up after a year of recovery and you'll cut and attempt suicide twice because of it. It's not all bad. You learn who you're real friends are and who really cares about you but it's not worth the heartache, anxiety, guilt, depression, and shame you'll have forever. You'll always have anorexia, and I wish you could've read this letter before unintentionally going down this deep, dark path. Don't fear because you will have lots of support from teachers in high school and friends in college. Sorority sisters will be there for you in a blink. Allow them to support you because you will need it. I'm sorry you fought this and I'm sorry you will fight it for the rest of your life.
Sincerely,
Current me
