I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I fell in love with her. I never wanted it to be this way. I never wanted to go behind your back, I never even wanted to believe that I could. For almost two years I was so ashamed and self hating over the way I felt for her. I tried to bury those feelings, to deny them. Why do you think I always said I'd never date someone who was more than a year older than me? Why do you think I always said I didn't find nose piercings attractive? Why do you think I was so obsessed with trying to get Germany bae to like me? It's because I was desperate to convince myself, prove to myself that my feelings were not real, that I could easily be interested in someone else.
But after that night we stayed up and talked to 6am while you sulked in the office, everything came to light. When she told me she felt the same way it was like light had been shone into my darkest thoughts and I suddenly couldn't hold myself down anymore. She pushed me further and further into it. She told me to fall for her, to let her take root in my heart and to let her bloom there, to give myself to her body, mind and soul. So I did.
Looking back it feels almost manipulative the way she would write poems for me, compliment me, talk about what it would be like to be together. And then suddenly become existential and tell me she didnt want to hurt me. She didn't want to ruin me or my happiness. That I was like a beautiful clean canvas, and she was afraid to leave a mark incase what she painted was worse than the beauty of the pristine canvas. But she pulled me in so completely. When she held me I felt safe. When she kissed me I felt wanted. When she told me she loved me I felt complete.
She told me how she felt first. She cuddled up to me first. She kissed me first. She said 'I love you' first and after you found out and left she was the one who contacted me again, she was the one who wanted to meet, she was the one who invited me round and she was the one who wanted to have sex. All I was ever guilty of was not saying no. But I should have. I should have been stronger, maybe if I was a true friend I would have said no. But you never cared about how things looked from my side of the story did you? That's why you never asked for it. I'm just an unredeemable self serving snake right? Why would you want the full picture from me? Why would you want to try and salvage our friendship through this betrayal?
Well we never will be friends again. Not for the reasons you think, not because I stabbed you in the back and you don't want to mend these bridges, no. But because the thought of you makes me sick. Why couldn't you move on? Why couldn't you accept what had happened? No matter how many times you caught her lying to you about being with me why were you so desperate to keep her? Telling her you would kill yourself if she got with me I could forgive. Threatening to tell her family why you broke up if she talked to me I could forgive. Saying you were going to read out all of the messages we shared to her as 'punishment' I could forgive. But I can not forgive you telling her you would buy her Coke and E. To be so desperate, to actively want to hurt her with drugs, to appeal to her worst nature her most self destructive impulses I can not forgive. How could you even dare to think of doing something like that to someone you supposedly care about? When you were so adamant about not even getting her weed before. But I guess it worked and that's all that matters to you isn't it?
You took away the one thing that has ever made me feel loved, feel wanted, feel truly happy and you did so in the most manipulative way possible. Don't forget, don't ever forget that you only got into your relationship with her in the first place because she was cheating on her previous boyfriend with you. I guess it's not as much fun from the other side is it? You are nothing but a toxic, manipulative, abusive hypocrite. You disgust me.
