An open letter to my mom I lost too soon

Subject: An open letter to my mom I lost too soon
From: Brielle Marsden
Date: 20 Sep 2017

I'm not really even sure where to start. It's been 13 years. I turn 18 in two weeks and I wish more then anything that you could be here to send me off into the scary life of adulthood. I was too young at the time to completely understand what happened, but when dad sat me and veronica down and told us that you had been in an accident and you wouldn't be coming back again, I just sat in confusion as to how someone I spent everyday (basically attached by the hip) with, wouldn't ever be coming back. At your funeral I still was confused, Even after seeing you in that casket I couldn't grasp the fact that that was you. So many people showed up to your funeral, I didn't even think someone could know so many people. I'm often reminded of that day vividly, whenever I smell flowers every emotion I felt that day comes back and it never gets easier.
I often wonder what you would think of me now. If you´d be proud of the things i´ve done. People say you would be, but it's not coming from you so it doesn't mean as much, I just wish I could hear you say it. People tell me all the time how much we are alike, and it feels so good to hear that because I'm bitter that I didn't get the chance to get to know you more, so knowing that, makes me feel like you're always with me. I think about you all the time. I think about what my life would have been like with you here. I think about what holidays with the whole family would be like with you here. I think about what it would have been like to come to you to talk about how me and my friend got into some typical stupid meaningless fight. I think about how it would feel like to have you to cry to all night when i've completely broken down. I think about us laughing hysterically at something so stupid that only we would find funny. I think about the unconditional bond we would have had together and what that would have felt like to have. I think about how you would have yelled at me because I have driven you absolutely crazy. I even think about what happened to our one eyed black cat spooky after I had to leave the house. But what I do know is you would have been my best friend not only because you had a vibe like a hippie but because I can feel it in me, like as if you've been mine this whole time.
It infuriates me when people say god needed you, because if god were real he´d know how much I would need you for the countless times when dad messed up and has to go away again and how much pain I have went through over these years and how I'll always have a part of me that feels missing. I´d just wish I could have gotten at least a couple more years with you so I would have more memories to remember you by. I envy the others for getting more time to make memories and have those special moments with you that I won´t get to have. I hate the fact that I don't get to have you with me for graduation, I would give anything to be able to see how proud you looked as they call my name for my diploma, But I know you'll be watching from somewhere with that bright beautiful smile.
There's never a day that goes by where you don't cross my mind
I will forever love and miss you deeply

Love always,