I will never forgive you for taking away my childhood and adolescent years. Because of you, I missed out on things that almost every other person not struggling with mental illness(es) got to experience.
I will never forget the seemingly never ending nights spent isolated in my room. The agonizing doctor appointments where zombifying drugs were pushed on me, with the promise that they would cure me of you.
Because of you, I lived with the constant fear that I could only get worse. The countless questions I got from teachers and friends and family when I couldn't drag myself out of bed to attend my classes or interact with anyone.
You ruined so many opportunities for me, and took me away from the people I loved. For those years, I felt an overwhelming sence of emptiness. I was numb to everything and everyone around me.
If you had just left me alone, would I have turned out different?
Had I ignored the thoughts that you put in my head, that tore me apart and made me sick to my stomach, would I have turned out different?
You became my identity. I let you consume my life as easily as you had entered it. Everything I did, everything I was, came back to you.
Before you came into my life, I was different. I was full of innocence and joy and I was naive.
The truth is, had you never interrupted my life, I would have turned out different. I would not be the same person as the one writing this letter.
I would not be strong like I am today. I have encountered barriers that I could have never imagine surviving, but because I survived you, I know I can survive anything. I have overcome some of the most dehumanizing thoughts and feelings because of you. I have stood up against you, and that's the strongest thing I will ever do.
Thank you for letting me appreciate even the smallest things in life now. I will never take for granted the things that you took away from me, like laughing until my face hurts or spending time with those I love.
Day by day, I am learning how to live with you. I know more about you than I could have ever imagined, and each day I embrace with open arms. Some days I struggle, but the mere fact that I am still fighting is enough to push me through it.
You will not ever define me.
