Dear JS,
Hello. We've been married for 9 years now and for the last 5 years, I have been cheating, in one form or another.
And my last affair, he's left the country and I told myself, this was the last. Should I leave you or should I work it out? Knowing I am entirely different and conniving woman now.
I am sorry. Am I? I have to the point where my feelings are numb. I keep blaming you to justify my actions. How you never want to have a baby with me and you never make efforts to make love with me. Since we don't speak the same language fluently, I can't communicate with you. Since I make more money than you, all you think is I'm amoney making machine.
We got married the 3rd day we met. I was 23 and desperate to get out of my wretched country. You were a "loser" in your country and couldn't find a wife....
In spite of that, nobody deserves to be cheated on. You're the second man in mylife, after you, I've had 18 or 20? I've trick you with taking Std pills too. You may ask first why? Then you know already. But you don't do nothing about it. See? I still blame you?
I remember the first time I did it, I cried at home. I was so guilty I threw up. It all started with justtalking online, then webcam sex, then dates, then sex... Even with women. I even fell in love ? 3 times? Is that even possible?
I have lived a double life. I don't know how I manage to look you in the eye and kiss you after a wild sex. How the affairs made our lives tolerable and I became calm and friendlier. How drama isn't a big part of the marriage and that we seem to be closer because the men have been carrying the emotional burden I have you can't handle.
Yet I can't leave. It scares me to go backto my country. It scares me to start from nothing. It scares me to be alone in my 30s. I'm a coward. I'm manipulative. I'm a nightmare to an honest man like you. Sometimes I think youknew butyoulet me get away with it. You were always been loyal to me though. You said our wedding kiss was your first. Thank you.
So here I am. Writing this letter doesn't bring me shame. In fact, for the other people reading it makes me feel cool and I love the attention.
I'm sick. I am corrupted. I am tired of it. It has consumed my soul long enough I do not know what love is anymore. If you were to read this, youd send me to the police or home.
Today is another chance. I don't know what my indecisive heart wants. I hate myself for being like this. I wish I was just simple and content..
This is who I am. I am sorry. I am a monster. You deserve better.
