Love was never a concept that I thought I would experience in high school. Nor did I ever think I would fall so hard, so fast. It was crazy really. My sophomore year go high school will be one i never forget. I knew you weren't as interested in me as I was you, but it only made me crazier about you. As a teenager with almost zero sexual experience I thought that was going to be the key to your heart.
Sadly as I write this, I know it didn't work out like that. I hate myself for being so naive and trusting. We began to "hook-up" frequently, but you would never consider it anything past desire. As you boasted to all of your friends about things that seemed personal to me, I gleamed with happiness as i described the guy I was so into. I thought we were together, but still not in your eyes. You had an ex, she was beautiful. She was never a concern until you made her one. Oblivion is something I've learned to absolutely loathe because of you. I should've known that "studying" with her was not as it seemed. I was too oblivious and trusting to be cynical about anything. Not anymore. As you finally admitted to me that you had kissed her and that it was "in the moment", I felt myself change. Something inside me had lost touch. The child inside of me, the fantasy i believed love to be, crumbled into the sad reality. Even then i was still naive. I forgave you after a week of barely talking to you. It was so hard for me not to talk to you, and you gave me the space that I discreetly didn't want. I wanted you to show me you cared. Some time had went by and you cheated on me again. I ended things with you for a month. Your excuse was that "we aren't even dating". That one hit home. One of the girls was my best friend. Hell, I had to find out while I was with her. I forgave you again. Even then, when i didn't know I was in love with you, I know now thats why i kept trying to make you love me.
I had never felt something so serious. After almost losing me that second time, you began to treat me so much better. You decided we could be "officially together". Time passed, and as we made memories we grew as individuals. I held no grudges or judgment against you. I knew you were truly sorry, and i knew you didn't love me then like you love me now. Our climax of our relationship was amazing. We had sex for the first time ever. We lost our virginities to each other. I will never forget that day, and how nervous we both were.
As time passed then, things slowly started to falter. I started to feel that cynicism that had grown in me years ago. Your ex continued to be a problem that you chose to not see. You guys stayed best friends, and i had no say. Your oblivion was a dire cause of our breakup. My oblivion was a dire cause of your mistreatment. I began to lose hope in our relationship. You continued to tell me things would change. They did not. I broke up with you. I told myself my heart was going to continue being broken if i did not get away. My love for you became something that was poison to me. Nearing the end of our junior year i panicked. There was nothing else i could do. I tried, and i tried, and i tried. My insecurities were at an all time high when i ended things with you. I wanted to be happy because i had felt so much pain.
Thats how i landed myself into the arms of a manipulative, emotionally abusive relationship. I isolated myself from the friendships I had made fro years and years prior. I was not myself anymore. I was miserable, and I tried so hard to change myself. I tried so hard to change my life. I was vulnerable, and for a year my self image was shattered into the tiniest pieces of nothing. I felt nothing. I was constantly angry at the world, and still looked to you for my happiness.
After finally getting out of an even worse emotionally destructive relationship, i found you again. You had changed. You changed so much A. You were a man. You weren't scared to tell me you wanted me. You never even touched a girl after we broke up. You waited for me, like i waited so long for you. I love you for that. Thank you. Thank you for being the kindest person and boyfriend to me now. In a way, I'm glad i got to experience you grow up into such a beautiful man. i wouldn't trade you for anything in this world. Thank you for continuing to be such an amazing boyfriend, best friend, and support system. I love you. As we end our freshman year of college, new variables have become present in our relationship. It is still hard for me to trust sometimes. It is hard for me to not be cynical. Our love is stronger than my insecurities though. It is stronger than the people we used to be.
