Dear Ex,
I’m sure you are wondering why I’m writing you this note, I’m sure you didn’t hesperrerit (expect it) but I have to. Again, I know you’ll wonder why I couldn’t just ping you, text you or better still call you to discuss this? The problem is; I will be doing a lot of explanation to more than a dozen exes, and that’s poor time management, so I decided to send this note to youse in general.
Are you surprised I said more than a dozen? Don’t worry you are not alone in receiving this shocking revelation, however only a few of you were blind to that fact.
As Douglas Horton rightly said; “Human desires are insatiable.” I am one of many baby boys that make good use of his theory. He said the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
I’m sure you’ll wonder how it was that you couldn’t satisfy me. I know the big butted ones amongst you will look at that onion shaped ass and console yourself by saying “Your loss!” The heavily chested ones amongst you too will shake their jugs and wonder how those heavy jugs couldn’t lock me down. The ones with flat tummy, the ones I ‘washed’ every now on then on how sexy it was and how I couldn’t leave them for the big tummy babes…don’t hiss yet, the list is quite a long one but I’ll save you from the agony.
You see this letter is not to rile you up, in fact I didn’t set out to piss you off or make fun of you, I’m on a mission to confess my many sins, ask thee for forgiveness and effectively beg you to move on and let me be (no I’m not even being arrogant about it).
I’m sure my friends with benefits reading this are laughing at the poor girls who fell in love, you are happy I decided to write them to tell them off right? I’m sorry this also applies to you. You see, I enjoyed it while it lasted, the no strings attached thing. Yes I’ll rate you slightly above the exes because you gave me no hassles; it was straight to the point, no expectations, no drama, except for a few that went outside our contractual agreement.
The fact that I had a better understanding of your body than your boyfriends was like an award to me, some of you even text me to tell me how shit he is in bed, those messages cracked me up and made my days, but please I won’t be entertaining such messages any longer.
I’m sure you’ve thought about the many nude pictures of you in my possession, not to worry, I’ve deleted all your nude pictures, I’m using ‘all’ because I’m not only referring to the pictures but to all of youse in general.
Your mind drifted to the sextapes as I mentioned the pictures right? Don’t worry, I’ve got you, I deleted them too, every one of them. It was a tough decision you know? I had to watch everyone of them before deleting them, the excorcism-esque screams, the sleepy and sexy facial expressions, your looks as you cum, the shaky legs, the ‘’Oh my God(s)’’, the “Oh yes, fuck me baby!”, the “Yes, yes, yes, don’t stop baby!” …all of them, I had to delete them, I didn’t want the memories any longer, if I could erase those data from my brain I would too.
You are still in shock why I’m telling you all these or why I’m making this decision? Like my fellow Yoruba people will say “Agba ti’n de” (i.e. Old age (maturity) beckons). I have finally found myself that woman that complements me, to those of you that have seen her picture, I’m sure you’ve convinced yourself unsuccessfully that you are better than her, I’m not saying she’s better than you, I’m only saying I’m better off with her, I’m sure a better man will find you good enough for him too.
I’m aware some of you want to deal with me; you’ve sworn to disgrace me and destroy me. Remember; Matthew 6:14-15 “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” If that doesn’t work for you, remember; Quran 42:40 “The reward of the evil is the evil thereof, but whosoever forgives and makes amends, his reward is upon Allah.” And err…if none of the above works, remember I wasn’t an asshole throughout our sweet moments, so please temper justice with mercy (I hope they are not just names of people to you).
I have also informed the Mrs about my many atrocities, so blackmailing won’t work, but I hope you accept my unreserved apologies though.
Really, I was a fool, a big fool, I couldn’t decide what I really wanted, I was not only confused, and I was a coward, telling you what you wanted to hear just to spread your legs. I apologise for my asinine act, it will never repeat itself again.
It dawned on me that in few years, I’ll have kids, a daughter or daughters most likely and I wouldn’t want her to date the boy I was but the man I’m becoming, I also wouldn’t want her to pay for daddy’s sins, so please forgive me.
I’m here by extending my arms of platonic friendship for those that care (I hope you all do though) I shall be there for you in whatever capacity except of course sexually and romantically.
Yours Sincerely
Your Ex Boyfriend
