Dear B,
Today you are packing in preparation for your move on Friday. Every article of clothing, every make up bag, or accessory you add seems to weight more heavily on my heart then it does the cardboard boxes you are placing them in.
Often times lately I find myself awake at night wondering how this could happen, how you could feel so unhappy that you decided to suddenly leave our life behind? I know things were not always perfect, there are many things I wish I could've changed, many things I would like to do over but hindsight is always 50/50.
You gave me my beautiful child and for that I will always be thankful.
Our family life was everything to me - you, the baby, our dog - everyday I woke up thankful for the fulfilling life God had blessed me with. I didn't mind doing the every day things - cooking, cleaning, shopping and paying the bills - I wanted to make life as easy as possible for you, I wanted to make sure you and the baby were happy and taken care of. I never meant to "enable your laziness" as you told me when you decided to leave. Had I known about your growing unhappiness I would've made every effort to change it.
I'm sorry that I did not educate myself enough regarding your illness so that I could've been there to help bare the burden you struggle with every day. I'm sorry I did not push you to see a doctor or try medication again to help you find some normalcy in life. In this I really did fail you.
The pain I feel is indescribable, a piece of me is missing and I'm unsure if the void in my heart will ever fully be filled. I'm not sure what hurts more - the fact that you are so unemotional, so unphased by what is happening or the fact that you can't provide me any closure to know what it is that I did wrong. You've grown cold and unemphatic the shell of the woman whom I fell so madly in love with. You were my best friend, the love of my life - but I can't see that woman in your emotionless eyes.
You may hate, resent and not love me - but I will always love you, you will always be in my heart and prayers. Not a second goes bye where you are not on my mind. All of these nights that you leave to go out and don't come home until the next day, my mind races - I'm concerned for your safety and can only hope that you are making the right decisions.
My heart will always yearn for you but I know now that in order for you to gain stability, in order for me to retain my sanity I need to take a step back and let you go. Hopefully one day you will realize what you had and find it in your heart to forgive me for all of the reasons you feel caused you to leave to begin with.
I pray for the sake of our beautiful child and for your sake that you seek out the help you need, that you realize what this illness has done to those that love you so that you can finally find the happiness you claim to so badly yearn for. You are NOT crazy - you are sick and like with any illness you need the proper medication and treatment to prevent it from causing further harm.
Just know in your heart that there is always someone out there that loves you, someone out there thinking of you. You are not alone, and you never will be.
Love Always,
T
