Hello there,
First you should know, he and I have been having unprotected sex regularly in the months leading up to our break up and then also for the last 2 months since our break up. Secondly, he and I had sex the night before he left on his trip to see you as well as after his return, yes after your lovely week together.
It was after this last time together that he finally revealed to me the whole story about the two of you (rather it was the most honest he had been about you two up until that time). He claims you were aware of our activities in the weeks leading up to his visit with you. But I could tell he was lying about that. And so I wanted to do for you what you couldn't for me. So just as much as he lied to me, he has lied to you. You are not immune to it. But given your awareness of him sleeping with me while he was with us both, I'm not sure this will have any impact on you because that was the norm for you. And you seem to be pretty deeply attached to him.
I was too until I learned the truth about you (or as much as he was willing to reveal the other night). I feel pretty lucky to be free from his spell. Now I'm free to find someone who won't lie so harshly to and cheat on me. He claims to have loved me, but I can't even trust that was true. He's just a complex guy who is a total black hole of emotional needs. Sucking in everything he can get.
To be fair you and I have only been exposed to his side of the story. I really really wish you had reached out to me to give me yours. So that's why I'm writing you. Because you should know a little bit about me as well as hear how he portrayed you to me.
Now that he has admitted to me some truth to the nature of how you met and your relationship, I now understand that you are just as desperate as I was to find love. And were willing to do and believe whatever he said to keep yourself around. Congrats, you "won"... You must be very proud of yourself.
Something else you should know about me, is that in my mid to late 20s I was once in very similar shoes as you. The long distance other woman. In my scenario, the guy I had the affair with spoke very harshly about his girlfriend, called her fat and stupid, said I was wonderful and awesome. He was really charming and I really felt like he cared about me and not about her. That kept me around. He and I would talk on the phone for hours. I would travel and meet up with him behind his GF's back, we would have sex, and I felt so close to him. But he never made the moves to leave her for me because... I left first. I came to terms with how my actions were disrespectful to his girlfriend, and most of all to myself. Man I was such a dummy. I knew I was better than that, I deserved better than that. And you know what? They got married, and are still married even today. I tell you this just so you know, I know getting out of it is possible.
You were very lucky enough to know where you stood in all of this. Knowing about me. This was actually an advantage for you, because you were able to make the decision to stay involved with him. I knew nothing. He lied to me and hid the true nature of your relationship from me. You both denied me the opportunity to make decisions for myself with the truth.
So I have little to no sympathy regarding what you went through during the those 8 months that he was with you and I. He says he told you several times he wanted to focus on being with me. You could have committed to walking, shown me or yourself some respect. But instead you continued to pray on him and allow yourself to be charmed by him. Hell, maybe you moving here and being together was the plan all along. And maybe I was the clueless other woman in your relationship.
He rarely acknowledged your existence to me. Like, never talked about you. This certainly caused some strain in our relationship because I would see texts come in from you, emails in his inbox from you, the star next to your name in Snapchat. I would ask about you occasionally and he would get defensive. Adamantly insisting to me it was nothing, you were just a friend and he needed friends during this time period of losing his job and many of his friends as a result. Who am I to question a man when he's at his lowest? What kind of girlfriend would I be to do something like that?
I tried my best to believe him, I wanted so badly to believe him, but his behavior was not trustworthy, and it really broke down the trust I had in him, which broke down our relationship. I cried a lot during our relationship over this. Like, a lot.
At one point I even point blank asked him if I was holding him back from exploring something with you and he insisted "No, she is just a friend!" I gave him an out to leave me to be with you, and he didn't take it.
Perhaps this is difficult to hear given that he probably told you how important you were to him. He did the same thing with me... all the way up until he left for this trip. Even after we broke up he wasn't honest with me about you. He lied to me about this trip. Painted it like he was going to NYC to see his friend from France and spend some time with her before she left for London. I thought it was odd that he was calling a trip to NYC his East Coast trip, so I asked if he was going to see you. And he just said yes and nothing else. He couldn't even be straight with me about it then. You were his secret to keep I suppose. That was your purpose in our relationship.
I hope you are comfortable with secrets and lies, because eventually he will find more secrets to keep from you and need to lie to you about it. Honestly I don't believe any girl deserves that. Even the ones who openly participate in a liar's secret.
Best of luck to you both,
The Ex-Girlfriend
