I've been thinking during these past few days of not hearing from you after you had asked my permission that you will be busy for the weekend and will be with her because she's coming home for the next few days. In my desperation, I had realized that maybe we are soul mates after all.
After having blocked you from everything, from my life and the internet, leaving no trace of you anywhere just to allow myself to wander awhile, I looked over all your "after me" posts for the first time. It is funny how we had bought clay for our children at a similar time. It is funny how I read all of C.S. Lewis' books when you had been calling your new love Lucy because you think she looks like her; to think that I loved Lucy best in his books and how moved I was by her love for Narnia and Aslan. It is funny how when Star Wars VII came out, we had to email each other to talk about it because we knew we were the only ones who could understand each other's joy of having waited for its release for so long. These may only be little and insignificant things to others, but I know and you know it that even though we've lived lives apart, that we were still connected.
You said you were definite about coming back but I had to give you a year to get it figured out. I am clinging to these words no matter how painful. This is all very new and absurd to me, and I don't really know what I am supposed to do or if I really had to do anything. I am lost. I am confused. I am broken and abandoned. So here I am trying to attach myself to anything that felt familiar, any sense of protection and care, and yet nothing suffices.
I want to tell you I love you but I know this is not mine to say anymore. You told me that you already accepted that there was no longer an "US" but I've only recently found out and I don't believe that it ever ended. All this time I had hoped for you to come back to me. All this time I had waited for your return. All this time I thought you were just taking your time to find yourself and to fix things, but all this time, you had already found someone else. You had given yourself up freely while I kept all that we had to myself.
I told you all this for several days but it doesn't seem to have worked. I sounded desperate and needy just the way when I left. I thought I had gotten a grasp over my emotions, but when I knew you'd already abandoned me, I didn't know how to react anymore. I didn't know how to keep my composure that I've protected all this time. I thought I got it all figured out but knowing you're someone else's had opened up that deep wound I thought had healed. I thought I was ready to take you again but all that changed. You've moved on without me. You've decided to forget me and it's all my fault. You had failed to see past my hurtful words. You had failed to see the pain I was in, my call for your return. I don't know what to do anymore and I can't think of an end to this letter. I don't want anything to end...