Dear Dad,
I feel badly that my post, entitled What I Don’t Know, upset and offended you. Hurting your feelings was never my intention as we discussed on the phone. As a writer, I use my words in many ways; and none of them is to cause bitterness or anger. In particular, I write and express myself here, in this space, in order to help other queerspawn and their families who may be struggling. By asking questions, raising sometimes sensitive issues, and by provoking thoughtful dialogue, Amie and I hope to engage our readership and grow our community–creating a safe space– where others like us can feel comfortable expressing themselves as well. Only by talking about our own past, experiences, stories, feelings, and ideas can we expect others to want to join and share theirs as well.
I didn’t realize the photos in the closet were a sensitive issue. I posed my very honest questions about it within the post, questions I didn’t know ALL the answers to until we talked:
“Could it simply be that he doesn’t like displaying family photos (he is quite the art aficionado)? I don’t know. The fact is, he still has them. And I know pictures mean a lot to him, as he’s one of a few people I know who still prints them out and makes actual old-school albums!”
If my intention had been to start a fire, I’d have written that post months ago, right after visiting your house and seeing the photos when I still felt raw and rattled inside; Instead, I’ve been ruminating, waiting, letting things marinate. Finally, I felt it a worthwhile and interesting topic for the blog. As it turned out, there were many who commented that even their divorced straight parents put away some old family photos (and, as we discussed, my point had nothing to do with your putting the photos away because you are gay). I now realize I could’ve done a better job of clarifying some of my wording during the final editing process; and consequently parts were unclear, misinterpreted, came across as inflammatory, and sparks began to ignite.
As we discussed on the phone yesterday, I asked questions in my post like,
“Is there pressure from friends, from others in the gay community, those who have always been out and proud? Is he judged more harshly because he was in hiding?”
anger
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So, I’m taking away many lessons from this and I hope my learning continues. I feel we should always ask questions and strive to understand things, other people, whatever will help us grow, whatever will help make us better, smarter, more open-minded people.
Another lesson I learned is one I have long known, but continue to struggle with: there is no substitute for verbal communication. In the future, I will make an effort to talk to you about things, ask you questions outright, and keep trying to understand not only myself, but you and your experiences throughout all of this.
I’m sorry we don’t have a closer relationship. I’m sorry we don’t have great communication. I’m sorry that we don’t call each other just to say, “Hi, how are you?” I would very much like to change that. I will make an effort to call more and stay in touch. You are my dad, and I love you.
Love,
Erin
