Dear Coupon Goddess Children,
Bless your little hearts that you all want to give me something special for Mother’s Day! I know that you want to shop for me, but you really don’t need to. I want something that money can’t buy. And because I’m all about teachable moments, I’ll explain it to you…..
Nice stuff is fun and all, but there are a few things around the house that you could do for me that would truly be considered a gift. Let’s start in the bathroom because that’s where most of my anger and frustration stems from. Shall we talk toilet paper? Indeed we shall….
Why is it when I have to use the bathroom there is never, ever a square to spare? Don’t you realize that when I finally get to the bathroom in the morning after I’ve shuffled you all off to school that there is no one to answer my hollers for help when I realize that none of you have replaced the empty roll? Is it hard to figure out how to reload the roll? Would a diagram staple gunned to the cabinet help? God knows that there isn’t a shortage of toilet paper in this house……
And while we are in the bathroom, let’s talk about the toy situation. I’m 41 years old and at this point in my life I’m developing some body concept/confidence issues due to gravity and all. The last thing I need to see when I’m washing my hair in the morning is Barbie’s perky plastic boobs staring right at me, almost mocking me saying “mine are perkier than yours”. Like I don’t already know that it’s the truth?
This does not make me start my day with a spring in my step. Actually it depresses the hell out of me and makes me want to visit a plastic surgeon for a lift that I cannot afford. So for the love of all things Holy, can someone put a bathing suit on the girl? And about that dolphin, he looks way too happy next to nudist Barbie. Maybe one of you should cut him loose in the backyard with the rest of the pool toys? Just a thought. And while I’m thinking about it, I don’t think the makers of Veggie Tales would appreciate Larry being anywhere near that whole naked situation.
Since the washer and dryer are also located in the bathroom, let’s talk sock bombs. Now if you don’t want to unroll your own dirty sock balls because you think they are gross, what makes you think I want to deal with them? I love you all very much, but I draw the line at unrolling the socks. Pretty soon you are all going to have to wear flip flops because I’m not washing sock bombs anymore. Good thing for you that summer is coming.
My last Mother’s Day request is that you all put your stuff away. I find stuff all over the house that clearly does not belong where it is left. I can assure you that the baby doll above does not like being wedged into the foot of my bed. And before you older boys chuckle and think that this does not apply to you, it totally does.
I thought of you both yesterday morning when I ran over your basketball which was wedged under the Explorer. It did not take the impact well. You will need to stop by Dick’s Sporting Goods before you invite your friends over to play hoops. Put your stuff away. This includes but is not limited to your hockey sticks, roller blades, footballs, helmets, baseballs, bats, gloves, etc, etc, etc. I’m sure you get the drift.
Gifts do not have to cost money, my dear offspring. Simple acts of courtesy and thoughtfulness are just as valuable to me as that iPad I’ve had my eye on for the last year or so. Maybe even more valuable. However, if you don’t want to make any of the changes listed above, go ahead and buy me the iPad. I’ll need it the next time you forget to change the toilet paper roll. At least it will give me something to do until someone gets home.
Love,
Mom
