You have been around for the longest time. I remember my first anxiety episode in seventh grade. Who would have thought i would be scared to go sharpen my pencil. I was so scared about bothering my peers by walking across the room and making so much noise that one of them would start yelling at me because I was disturbing them. I didn't know it was you at first. Hell, I didn't even know what a mental illness was.
After that incident, it became more frequent. I would be scared to ask a waiter for a to-go box because I felt that I would be asking too much. I would be scared to ask my teachers questions when I needed help because I felt that they would get annoyed and yell at me for interrupting. I would have full-blown anxiety attacks; shaking, crying and confused; because I was scared of not succeeding in my future. Scared that I wouldn't graduate high school or go to college and make my mother proud.
It was until my freshman year of high school that I found out what you were. I went 2 years not knowing what the thing was, haunting my life every single second of every single day. In my first period health class, we had a mental health counselor come speak to the class. I wasn't that interested because I was so tired, I would always be tired. She started telling us different types of mental illness and how they affect people. Depression, Bipolar, Schizophrenia, PTSD, OCD, etc. Then, she started talking about anxiety. Telling us how it affects people's everyday lives. Consent worry, low self-esteem, beating yourself up over things that happened years ago. It all started to make sense. I had an Anxiety disorder.
You had ruined my life for two whole years. In the back of my head, you would comment on things that make me second guess decisions. "Why did you ask that question? She probably hates you now", "Don't do that, they will yell at you" "Why did you do that? You're so stupid, Ziah." "Maybe you shouldn't do that. Think of all the thinks that will go wrong." All of those thoughts keep me from living my life. Days in and days out, I would have a urge to tell my mom or my friends but you come up and told me otherwise. You have ruined friendships, relationships and overall, you have ruined me.
Today, I still have deal with you running my life. People say "Oh, anxiety is fake, all you have to do is ignore it, just get over it." If only it was that easy. People don't realize what this feels like. It feels like you're super glued to my back, making my decisions for me. Maybe one day you will get tired of me and just leave, or maybe you will be with me for the rest of my life. For now, I will deal with you, because I know that I don't have control over you.
Yours Truly,
Ziah B.
