We weren’t in a relationship, but we definitely weren’t just friends. In fact, we were transported into the grey area of something in between and, up until now, I’ve been okay with it. Why is that? It's because I felt like I never deserved better and I knew that you were only a phone call or text away.
We always seemed to find our way back to each other, no matter how far we strayed, no matter what our personal relationship status is, no matter how toxic we are for each other. We let each other in with open arms, knowing that we were probably the worst two people on the face of the earth to be together--or to be "kind of" together. But I am done.
Relationships shouldn’t be this difficult. Relationships should challenge and inspire you. Healthy relationships, in particular, shouldn’t make me cry myself to sleep at night and wake me in the late hours of the night as my phone goes off. I knew that it was you every time and I blamed myself for all your problems and insecurities. I knew that you were a ticking time bomb. You kept me on my toes, you made me worry, and I know that you knew even when you played dumb--you had me wrapped around your finger.
We aren’t what we need, even though it seems stupid to give up now. We have been through so much that it almost seems like we have known each other for a lifetime. There are moments where I don’t think that I could function without you. There are things that I have encountered in life and that I wish you were there for, but then I remind myself of your compassionate and genuine ways and then I remind myself of your selfishness. But, in my loneliness, I turn to find you nowhere. Someone who I trusted and someone who I felt that I knew so well. We knew one another in ways that no one else does. We have a past full of regret and the only good that came out of it was each other.
If you asked me weeks ago if this would be us, I would have denied it all. Yet, there is something quite inviting about the poisonous apple. It gave Snow White true love, but also almost killed her. There is something enticing about playing with fire while secretly hoping not to get burned. But we burned each other so deeply that it’s something that I became addicted to.
However, I want you to know a few things. I believed in you and us. I wanted us to work. I wanted to prove that the world was wrong about you. I secretly wished that you would leave her. I wanted to be worth it all to you. I wanted us to come out together on top, yet we each created a hurricane, sucking one another in and swirling each of us out. I wanted us to make it.
I also want to thank you. Thank you for teaching me what I don’t want out of a relationship. Thank you for giving me the confidence that I lacked. Thank you for making me feel beautiful. Thank you for being my confidant and best friend.
But please don't forget yourself. Don't forget your contagious smile that, even in my darkest of hours, made me laugh. Don’t forget that we are all flawed. Please, most importantly, don't forget to speak with your heart and not your head. Do not let the world define you. Prove to them you aren’t the stereotypes.
There is no denying love that might be there, hidden beneath the rubble, but I can’t keep waiting with false hope that we will make it out of this, especially when you have her. I’m not one to ever give up, especially on people, and I know that you know this about me. For myself, however, I can’t keep letting you in and out of my life while you're leaving me with questions about where we stand and whether or not you truly want me. We get along one second and in the next we haven’t talked for days or weeks.
Regardless of all of this, I want you to know how much I was smitten by you. I want you to know that, had there been reason to believe that we could make it, I would have stuck it out. But I knew that you wouldn’t leave so I had to. I had to be brave enough for the both of us. I know that I’ll get my fairy tale and that part of me will still wish it was with you, but I must also face the act that it probably won’t be you. You can only mind-fuck someone so much before they are left with no other choice but to walk away.
So I’m walking away with a heavy heart full of tears and I'm saying goodbye to you for real this time. I need you to let me go this time. I need you to let me learn how to grow without you. I need you to not chase me, to not try and win me over the next time that we see each other, because I know that I am not strong enough to not turn back around. So let me go. As I walk away I will walk with a confidence that, if we are meant to be, we will be. So, until then, if I see you down the road, please only be there if you are ready. Please only stop me if you can love me the way that I deserve, if you can be a good soul mate.
I care about you with all my heart and I might even love you. Sadly, though, caring and loving someone with all your heart doesn’t mean that the feelings will always be reciprocated. It also doesn't mean that you are ready for this new adventure. You have been dealt a full house in life and it is time for you to stop running. And, although it wasn’t a relationship, you were almost everything that I needed.
With much love,
The Girl Who You Almost Had
