An open letter to my almost

Subject: An open letter to my almost
Date: 2 Feb 2020

I wanna start this off by saying, NO I’m not over it, I’m not over you nor the feelings I had for you or what I wanted us to be. I ask my self all the time, where did I go wrong with you what could , what could I have done to make us work truth is , there’s nothing I could’ve done. Somethings in life are meant to be temporary and to teach us a lesson , but truth is I didn’t want us to be temporary I wanted us forever , but I have to except the face that’s it’s never going to be me and you and that’s OK. I can’t sit here and say that I’m over you cause that would be a lie , what I can say is that I’m ready to move on from you. I see now that I put my heart and emotions all into to get nothing in return. I had to see for myself that it’s just not going to happen. And as much as I tell my self I’m over you, your still the first first I think of when I open my eyes and the last before I go to sleep. And what’s crazy about all of this we NEVER even officially went out , we were in this weird sorta talking stage that we couldn’t seem to break out of , but I never questioned it I guess because I loved you in a way , and I told myself not to worry it will come one day. But guess what it never did, what came after was a goodbye , and not the type of goodbye to where they say “I don’t think this is going to work out” it was the goodbye that never came, it was the goodbye where they just stop texting and calling more often and then it suddenly just STOPS. At that point I didn’t know what to think to myself , I mean I can honestly say I’ve never liked anyone as much I liked him , and there’s just something that won’t just let me let him go, I mean that’s kinda why I’m writing this to help me let go of what it almost was. Still to this day he’s texts me here and there and me being weak I always reply , thinking we’re going to go back to the way we used to be , and that’s probably never going to happen and maybe that’s just for the better. You should be with somebody who gives you a sense of security and that’s one of the last things he ever gave me. He made me so happy , I experienced and did things with him that I can’t ever see myself doing with anyone else and if I’m being honest I don’t want to either. But maybe I just have to open my eyes to see what he is to me I’ll never be to him and I’ll learn to be okay with that , but I’ll still never understand why we crave somebody who gives us the littlest attention and treats us like we don’t exist. And as much I can look and the mirror and tell my self I’m over it , I’m not I don’t wanna say I’ll never be over it, but at the moment I’m just not ready to let go, I want to but I just don’t know how. I was nothing but good to you and you left , and left without an explanation. I thought we were better than that , I thought you cared about me enough to at least leave me With a piece of mind, but you didn’t. You just moved on and I didn’t ask and question all I did but was to wonder to why I wasn’t good enough to be your GIRLFRIEND what did I do so wrong that you just left me, and the only time you ever text me is when your in that mood. And now I have to see you everyday and pretend as if it doesn’t kill me that we aren’t like we used to be. I don’t think I can put into to words to how much you mean to me and I also don’t think I can put into words to how much it hurts that I almost know for a fact you don’t feel the same way. But I go about my day acting as if you don’t cross my mind , when really you are all I ever think about. I remember this one night where we were texting and I thought to myself “ I’m to happy something is sure to happen” and I was watching all these sad videos on YouTube, I know it’s bad to think that way , I mean I know I deserve happiness but you were just to perfect. I mean I know somebody can look at my situation from the out and be like just get over him he’s doesn’t deserve you but , it’s not that easy not even half of it is , I hate to say it but I’m still waiting for him to miss me back , to love me back and most importantly want me back and those all seem like things that are never going to happen but for some dumb reason I just can’t let go of him. That’s why every time he texts me I reply , or talks to me I get the most beautiful and disgusting feeling in my stomach that you can even imagine. I don’t wanna say that I’m in love , I mean cause we never officially went out but I don’t know what I’m in , I’m just in a weird space where I just can’t move on from him and everything he does just drives me crazy . But I don’t have any rights to go crazy because after all, I’m not his girlfriend . I honestly wonder what he thinks about me , or even if he thinks about me at all ,does he even know the half of the feelings I have for him or the intense love and care I have for him. Maybe since we just stopped texting and talking I never questioned it , he took it as I never cared , when really sad to say I died inside a little. I wonder what you think about me , do you think about me as the girl who a had a little weird / awkward situation with , my almost girlfriend or some girl you freaked on in your spared time . I can tell you what I think of you your the best / worst thing that ever happened to me , The thing that I’m most proud of and my biggest regret all in one. It’s like I wake up with new feelings about you each day , all with I have zero control over. But I wanna say thank you in a way for showing me that you can put so much love into a person and not feel the same energy and keep continuing to do it until you get hurt in the end. And I know your probably never gonna read this but if you do , I wanna say one I don’t think I could ever hate you or ever stop loving and two don’t ever leave anyone else the way you left me cause if there anything like me they will fall into all these thoughts and scenarios that’s are probably far from the truth. I wrote this letter in hope to move and to let go of you after all your probably not even stuck or think about me anyways.

Sincerely your soon to be but never was.