You are likely reading this and thinking, "crazy ex girlfriend, jealous and obsessed" Just move on and forget it already.
Believe me I`m quite sane and I have moved on and I only lost something I never should have allowed in my life in the first place.
I am not thinking wishful thoughts of how I can get him back nor would I want to be in your shoes ever again.
I am not a vengeful ex girlfriend or do I wish to be.
I do wish to save you the pain I endured at having allowed this man in my life.
You see I am the previous ex girlfriend after his estranged ex wife dealt with him for years.
I am not his first girlfriend since he separated and I wasn`t his last and very likely neither will you be.
His track record isn`t very long since his marriage ended.
You see I learned as his previous ex girlfriend and his ex wife did and as you will too, Your boyfriend is an abuser and an addict.
Addicts abuse themselves and abuse others.
Addicts use people , think of only themselves and can`t love anyone including themselves.
Their selfish narcissist behavior causes them to hurt others and never have a care or concern over their choices.
We three women all know all too well who this man is and what he is capable of.
We all heard his sob story of childhood abuse and we could all in our own ways understand.
We all had our own baggage we brought into our relationships with this man.
We all know he cries a good story of woe and pain and we all understand and believe we can love him into being someone he will never be, Clean and sober, loving and caring.
We couldn`t, no one can.
He`s handsome, charming and has a personality that will melt you like sugar.
He will cry and you will feel his pain. Eventually you will feel pain and cry because of him.
What you won`t see until it`s too late is the anger he carries inside because of his childhood and how you will pay for it as we all have.
This is why he`s an addict now.
His own children pay for it also. They carry the scars of having a father who is an addict. Fortunately his wife is a good lady and she tries very hard to teach them good values and when you see how amazing his kids are you will know someone is doing it right , It is NOT him due the credit. His kids tell me how they hate him but love him too. My instincts were to defend his kids and many times I stood up against him and defended them terrified he would strike for my disapproval of his verbal treatment of his kids. All I could do in the end was send the kids home and pray they would tell their mother. He was the father and father`s are due visitation even though I question that when it`s dealing with an active addicted parent.
The kids were the best part of my relationship and one of the most difficult for me to let go. I also did not want to teach them that it was acceptable to give or accept abuse and call that love.I loved them as my own and thankfully his ex wife and I have become friends since I left him and she knew the good impact I had on her kids. I am blessed for that.
How an ex wife and her husband`s girlfriend became friends is really quite uncommon but if you knew the dynamics of how we both could understand having loved and been abused by this man then you will understand why we can now call each other friends.
We could validated each other by our experiences and knew a good con of innocence this man has played on all our friends we knew and still does.
I told you , he`s charming and at this point I am sure you are still being seduced into believing his woes and pain.
You are likely still trying to do everything possible to make him happy and make up for all the hardships this man has endured and love him as you are capable of doing. He is not.
You believe his lies that WE were the abusers , NOT true.
You believe his lies and manipulation of who I am and his ex wife is as well.
"We are the women that used him and were too lazy to work." also not true.
"We were the ones who never appreciated him and didn't do anything for him and we are the guilty ones and he is the victim" ... also not true.
You haven`t likely seen ( or maybe you have) the part of him that is sullen and angry for no reason. Nor have you likely seen the rage he is capable of showing when he is on a downer off his night of sneaking drugs and pretending he is just a "little drunk".
Have you seen his signs of control and his manipulative ways?
His verbal and emotional abuse? His blame for everything being on you? We didn`t at first either but believe me you will.
I bet you have tried to buy him all the things he cannot afford on his own because of his financial problems of having to pay child support? Right !! ( forced by the courts)
I bet you have to also do most all of the childcare, cooking and cleaning for his kids while he sleeps it off on the couch.
I bet you see less and less of your family and friends and only see the friends HE wants you to see that believe his lies.
Why would they not ? They WERE my friends and I painted him to be so wonderful ( to cover my shame at accepting his abuse ) they would not believe later that this charming , funny, party guy could be anything less.
My REAL friends who he never allowed me to see knew something was up and stayed as the very friends they always were,loyal. He never had the chance to brainwash them as he did with his new found friends.
I bet a little voice inside your head is going off but you are thinking , it can`t be that bad. He`s so charming but deep inside your instincts are going off. You should listen to them.
I bet you also question when he won`t buy enough groceries to feed a bird but only when he has his kids will you see lots of food for that times he has his kids so it doesn`t look bad when the kids go back home to his wife`s home, unlike he will scrimp on food the rest of the days because he doesn`t think it is needed.
As long as he has his money for booze, drugs, coffee and take out lunches, who cares what you have to make due with.
You will close your eyes to him drinking when the kids are there, or him going off and smoking a "doobie" while you keep the kids away from his "little secret" Yes we all were enablers as well.
The reality of his addictions will come out though when you watch and see all the warning signs of an abusive addict. I`m not talking a little weed here and there. I`m talking a full blown drug addict and alcoholic. You know it too. He never hide it well.
Yes, I know you are still in that process of still wondering who he is compared to what his actions say compared to his words.
I bet you are carrying the majority of the financial load as well as being a " step Mom" while he is still married and no talk of divorce.
I bet you provided all the material needs for your home you share with him and the carry most of costs and when you ask him for help financially or otherwise he just ignores you or goes into a rage and you will continue to provide.
You see I know because I did the same.
I am a good hearted person like you and I gave and gave and nearly lost myself to provide for him the best I could, all while he slowly destroying my spirit with his abuse and addictions.
I am still healing from the abuse, not from losing him. Its been a difficult journey but I have come a long way.
Getting the police involved helped a lot and counselling for the trauma of his abuse. I still have days where I am haunted and nights where I wake to nightmares of him but I am healing.
I know for sure ,you are good person too because he only settles with good people who he can suck dry. Kind, caring , loving women who have a generous heart.
I hope for you , you will see and listen to your instincts and get out before he destroys your spirit too. Love yourself more than you love him.
Love isn`t about what a person takes but IS about what they can give and you will give more than any woman should while he takes without a thought or concern for your needs emotionally, physically or spiritually and needless to say, financially.
You are on a road to hurt beyond anything you can imagine BUT don`t believe 3 other women. (His previous exgirlfriend warned me too and I didn`t listen)
But what do we know ?? The truth !!
Now you do too.
Truly Thankful To Be,
PS. This is my letter for healing and to not allow the past to ruin my future. I am letting go of everything negative he caused and leaving this in the past. If you happen to read this ,I hope you will heed my warning and remove yourself from him as well. Educate yourself on what an narcissist/ sociopath is before its too late but I am guessing you are already in deeper than you should be and its your choice to live your life the way you choose. As for me , I have learned to love myself much more than I did before and I take the lessons of this and never forget. I hope you will too...like a diamond.