Dear, You.
It’s still hard to put in words how I feel about you, of course, I am angry at you for all you did, but I have a whole host of other feelings about you. I doubt you realise how much you changed my life, who I am today, is not the girl I was and who I am today, isn’t a better person. When I met you, I finally felt like something good was happening in my life like I was the luckiest girls in the world, that’s probably because at the start you made me feel that way. You were always good at that, brainwashing me and making me feel so good. You were more than good at it, you had me believing all you did was my own fault like you were some amazing prince. A prince shows his princess how much he loves her with affection, loyalty and respect, but you gave me bruises and scars instead. I’ve spent 3 years trying to get over the things you did to me, I don’t think I ever will ‘get over it’. Everyone tells me it will take time and one day it will won’t affect me anymore, but honestly, I know, you will never go away. You are forever imprinted in my mind and not in a good way. No amount of counselling or medication can make me forget the pain. The words you yelled in my face, the things you did to me in the bedroom – late at night or the bruises you made on my body. There are days I think about you, usually on one of my down days. On those days, I sit and I wonder, what did I do to make you so angry? and do you know how much you have affected my life? I never have been a very confident girl, but you took the last bit of confidence I had in myself away. Do you know, I let people take advantage of that for 2 years before I realised I can stand up for myself and not get a smack around the face? After you, I had hardly anything left, I was not the same girl anymore, when I met the ‘real’ you, the abusive one, I lost everything. I lost my happiness, my confidence and my carefree spirit. Suddenly I lived in a very dark world, with monsters lurking around every corner. My eyes were opened to the horrific things that really do happen every day. This forced me to grow up too soon, I was 14 when we started dating and I had the mind of a 14-year-old when we broke up, I had the mind of 20-year-old. You forced me to grow up, you took most of my teenage years away from me. I wonder, do you have a conscience? Someone couldn’t possibly do what you did to me and not feel at least a tiny bit guilty? You gotta get out jail free card with me, I wonder if another poor girl, will give you one. I hope she doesn’t, it would make me so happy, to see you behind bars, locked in a cage like an animal. It was very confusing, to be told you are so special one night and that you’re worthless the next. I know now, I am special and you’re the worthless one. After you, I lost all hope in boys. I become scared to leave my house, started having nightmares, found it hard to trust anybody, actually I still have issues when it comes to trusting people. I started doubting myself, telling myself I wasn’t good enough, telling myself, no-one will ever love me because I am damaged goods. There have been nights, where I have wished harm on you, wished you was dead but how’s you being dead, going to help me move on. I am still not happy, to this day but I have learnt a lot. I have learnt what did was wrong and that it was never my fault. I have learnt to be careful who I trust. I have learnt who my real friends are. I matured, It was both a blessing and a curse that I had to grow up too soon. I have learnt that not every boy is going to hurt me like you, only a few are like you. If this was a competition on who’s life is better, I would win, even with my anxiety disorder. Don’t you be thinking that you broke me because you didn’t, I am much stronger than anyone knows. I hate you but I am thankful for the lessons I learnt since being in a relationship with you.
From, Shannon.
