To My Abuser,
I was so young when you touched me in places that, at the time, I wasn't even old enough to know that they were private and sexual places on my body. All I knew was that something was deeply wrong.
All day you came up with excuses for touching me like for example, my underwear were showing. I kept my distance the rest of the day. I didn't want you touching me...
That night, my friends and I thought it would be so much fun to camp out in a tent in the backyard. Our parents said yes because after all, what could possibly happen 10 steps away from them. What could happen just in the backyard. A lot, a lot can happen and it did. My whole life changed that night. I was molested.
You came into the tent and took my friends place beside me. Did you even know how much you would change my life that night? Did you know I was not sleeping? Did you know I was too petrified to move? Did you know you broke me that night?
To make matters worse I forgot, I forgot what you did to me for some time. For years I had no idea why movies, talk and anything regarding sexual abuse made me more uncomfortable than anyone else in the room. I had no idea why when anyone touched my bum I cringed and jumped. My brain blocked out the trauma you inflicted on me but when I remembered.... there was no forgetting.
You made me doubt myself. I used to think I made it all up in my head until I realized theres no making that up. I knew your name, I knew exactly who you were but I had only seen you the one day when I was so small. My body responded in defensive and unnatural ways for no reason, especially in my first sexual experiences. I told no one for years. I felt dirty, used and alone for so long. Not a day went by where I did not think about it. How could I not? You broke my vulnerable, small, innocent heart. The heart of a child.
Finally, I told my parents and older sister when it all became too much. Too much anger, too much guilt, to much pain. I blew up. The looks on their faces scared me but worse, embarrassed me. My dad could not look at me, my mom barely held it together and my sister had pity, nothing but pity written all over her face. I hated that. I hated that no one could look at me, that I hurt them, I hated that look of pity. It made me feel more dirty and just embarrassed, like I shouldn't have told them. Eventually, with my mom I had a good conversation about it but it took many years. I think it was just as hard for them to think and talk about as it was for myself. When we did talk about it, it was with no judgment and a conversation full of support. I began to heal what you broke years ago.
Today, I no longer think about what you did to me every day. I no longer think about the fact that you tainted my first sexual experience or stole a part of me I didn't even know I had. Not because it doesn't matter but because I have made my peace with it. It happened, it hurts but now its time to move on. I refuse to let you continue to hurt me. I know now that I'm not dirty, that I have no reason to be embarrassed. But you, you do. I sincerely hope that you find a way to become a better person. That you find love and empathy in your heart. I used to be so angry at you, but I am not anymore. I pity you. I am now so much stronger today because of what you did to me which seems funny to me considering how weak you seem to me today.
To the parents of children who have spoken up about their abuse, please don't wait years to have a good conversation with them. If you can't speak about it, find a professional who can talk with them or at least help you talk with them. It's important, trust me. The inner pain never fades until it is confronted head on.
To people who have been abused in the past. Remember that you have nothing to feel ashamed about. No reason to be embarrassed. If anything, be proud that you were able to get through it and be a stronger person because of it. I know first hand that this is easier said then done but you can do it, I promise.
