Dear 15 year old me,
Damn girl you're a mess. I could spend this whole letter talking about that but we learned not to bash ourself about everything anymore. I guess we can start with the drugs. You have some pretty cool friends but you already know that. But let's set the scene. It's the Halloween parade. You're with your friends trying to be cool. You don't realize that they'll be supportive whether you want to be a dumbass or not and later you'll find out they'll be so much more supportive when they find out you're trying to quit. Some of them are dead, some of them have also quit, and some of them you cut off because you didn't want to condone that drug use but you learned the difference between your friends and the people you did drugs with. Moving on to the boy. He'll come in and charm your pants off (literally) he cares about you. He really does. He's even the reason you started trying to quit drugs. He got frustrated often because he didn't understand. You covered up with makeup so that he couldn't see how dark your under eye bags were. You politely excused yourself every time withdrawal made you need to throw up. Your breathing was heavy all the time. He just thought it was because you were nervous around him. That you thought you had to fix yourself for him. Which frustrated him even more because aside from the drugs he thought you were perfect. Eventually your drug addiction ruined that. That's not the last or worst heartbreak you'll experience before you settle down but that's okay. You tried to make amends a year later as part of your 12 step program but sometimes people don't want to hear it and that's okay. Life goes on. You eventually found someone who makes you really happy but romance still isn't the most important thing in the world. You learned to never settle for less than you deserve. Also don't mess up a good thing because he wants to help you. Next topic. Mom. She's going to hurt you. She'll hit you she'll scream at you and never once will she say she's sorry. Quite the contrary she won't even talk to you until you apologize for her problems. This will go on until the day you move out. Lucky for you that's about 2 years earlier than you thought. You're still hurt from the 16 years you spent with her and she still tries to control you in every possible way but you don't talk to her much anymore. It sounds horrible because she's your mother but trust me it works out better. You learned that just because someone is your blood doesn't mean that they are worthy of you. Future. Nothing terrifies you more than that word but trust me you'll figure it out. You end up going to law school (I know, crazy twist of events am I right?) you're studying to be a lawyer which is a little stressful but this is what you want to do with your life. You learned that everyone is stressing over their future at your age and even my age but everything ends up working out in one way or another. Basically all I wanted to say was at 15 years old you swallowed 8 bottles of pills, you were minutes away from that death that you so desperately wanted and you were going down a road and no one knew if you would make it out alive but you did and I'm proud of you. Never forget that this is all temporary. You've lived 15 badass years on planet earth and if you decide to hold on just a little bit longer you'll see that you can accomplish anything you want to and you will.
Love
future you
