Hello.
It pains me to begin writing to you in letter format, because I cannot, even in the form of a pleasantry such as "Dear You" or "Good morning", bring myself to send you well wishes. THIS is the very reason I need to say this all one final time:
I have no respect for you and I hate this. Our relationship did not begin this way, yet has eroded over the years. How did it come to this? Let's start from the beginning.
In the beginning, I was just a twenty-something walking alone. I had no idea a chance encounter with a stranger would make me a parent, yet it did. That man I met was your husband.
Less than a week prior, over Christmas break, you had told he and your collective children that you were in love with another man and moving across country without them. At this point, you had not even finished packing your bags. Three days later, you were gone, with a wave out of the car window while you and Boyfriend drove away, two children left in tears, and a blindsided husband left in shock.
I spoke with your husband every day after we met, even while he stayed in the spare bedroom until you left. This was the furthest thing from romantic (on both of our parts) and was more representative of damage control. He asked for pointers on how to accept this reality. I offered cold reality that life sometimes sucked and there were worse things than someone that cheats on you leaving you. ("Let them go," I said.)
"I don't know anyone...we just moved here last year. I don't even know how to juggle their soccer with coaching."
This destroyed me for the children.
"I'll help you. I don't date, but I can be your friend."
Two weeks after this, I met your tweenage children. Your son clung to me waiting until we were alone to express his sadness."
Your daughter enjoyed shopping and anything that could be a distraction. She cried daily. He missed school often because he would break down in class.
Three months later, after taking her to a soccer game, she asked me if I would marry her Dad. Later, he and I discussed the conversation. We thought maybe we should consider dating.
Two weeks after that, you visited for the first (of two) times. You demanded meeting me, THIS WOMAN, who was caring for your children. I was hesitant: I rationalized for you that I would want to know who was spending time with my children. I rationalized for me that I would never have abandoned my children. I kept an open mind and granted grace...and met you for dinner. I was shocked you didn't bring money and I had to pay. Over dinner, you asked me when we would try for a baby(after two weeks of dating!). I thought this was the CRAZIEST $&*# I had ever heard. Then you topped yourself and said you and Boyfriend were trying to conceive.
I scheduled the kids' dental cleanings. I found out you had not taken them in for two year's worth of dental work. 25 Fillings later between both, you said it just wasn't a priority. I thought about the $400 worth of Scentsy product I cleaned out of your closet and wondered if those were the dental co-pays.
That summer we sent the kids to you. It was a summer filled with yelling. They called and asked to come home. At one point you called and said you couldn't take care of them because they were frustrating you and you couldn't control them.
I had your son tested for reading delays. He was 12 and testing as a 7 year old. I asked you if anything had happened when he was in second grade that could have delayed him. You told me that he was just "really slow" at homework so you started doing it for him so it was faster. You balked at the idea of tutoring, until I said that I would pay for it if you weren't willing. At that point it became a good idea.
That fall you confided in me: "We're pregnant."
A month later you let me know, "Those aren't your children." (Yeah, Lady. I'll remember that when I picking them up from the bus stop.)
At soccer practice a mom said to me, "That chair you're sitting in
is really comfortable. I know because I sat it in once. *UNDER BREATH* Homewrecker." I responded, "I have her husband, her children, and her responsibility...I might as well have her chair, too." I never heard any of the mom squad spout off about me again.
I learned that you told people I was the reason you left.
I learned that you also said Husband was abusive.
Two years later, your children each asked me to adopt them because they were concerned if something happened to their dad that they would not be cared for or would have to live with you. I asked if you would consider terminating rights. You were on board until your mother convinced you that would embarrass your family.
Three years later, your Husband became my Husband.
Doctor appointments.
School Registration.
Braces.
Chores.
Responsibility.
College Planning.
First Cars.
Birthdays.
Holidays.
Clothes Shopping.
Tantrums.
Tears.
Counseling.
Mommy Issues.
Teenage Wasteland,
These children never have once asserted, "You're not my mom," yet I am not. You are.
When I reached out to you a month ago, I asked you to please start co-parenting with us. That the kids needed you. That you are more than just a contributor of DNA. You told me I was an ass.
I told you I was tired of not having respect for you. That I wanted to swallow our pride and work for the kids because they need you actively in their lives. I asked you to reach out when you are ready to do that.
It's been a month and you still haven't.
I'm their stepmother. Let me be that.
I am not your replacement.
Your past decisions don't define you or restrict you from a future with the children.
You are not forgotten.
They are here waiting for you...and so am I.
