Dear McDonald's,
Hello! It's me, Mayor McCheese, don't you know? It's been a while. Just wanted to declare how glad I am you kicked CEO Don Thompson's McMuffin out the door. His last gasp for increasing sales was to have people “pay with lovin'.” Pack that idea into a Styrofoam McDLT casket and bury it in a landfill already. Someone didn't have his thinking cap on.
Most people don't come to McDonald's because they want to. They come because they have to. They either are economically challenged or stoned. It's humbling enough to show one's face at McD's. Why do you think our more discreet drive-thrus are so popular? Thompson wants our “happy” workers to ask people to humiliate themselves by hugging or dancing with strangers in exchange for food. That's bad enough—but consider who is asking them to do their bidding? Bitter, minimum-wage adults choking back their tears with Diet Coke. This easily could get out of hand. We're just one musical arts high school away from telling people to dance and take off their tops. Go see the movie “Compliance,” for crying out loud! Go see it if only to see what Grimace has been up to lately.
This indecent proposal for bartering is yet another seriously flawed plan by Thompson to get McDonald's hamburger patches growing and its Filet-O-Fish lakes overflowing again. Doesn't he remember when the McDonaldland City Council attempted to impeach me for paying a female intern with “lovin' ”? They didn't care that it was a consensual hug. I can't help it that the ladies really go for the mayor. My head is a giant cheeseburger. You know what they say about guys with giant cheeseburger heads. What do you think I got going on for me south of my mayoral sash? That's right. Think Quarter Pounder. And, people, always use a McWrap. There are things out there scarier than measles (salmonella, wink wink).
I HAVE A PROCLAMATION—ER, PROPOSITION!
Now that Thompson is out of the picture, I have a proposition. It's time for McDonald's to return to its roots. That can start with me. I have been the mayor of a fictional land for more than 40 years. I'm ready to move on to something bigger, like running a global fast -food company. I'm the perfect candidate! Sure, there was that time I got caught on video smoking crack with some undesirables (ahem, Hamburglar) in one of McDonaldland's public housing apartments, or, as we call them, condiment-iums. As I have stated in court, I was hopped-up on special sauce and not aware of my actions. I have since sought treatment and have successfully been through rehab three times. Maybe four.
It's true that I have fallen on hard times. Even though I am still mayor and continually run for office unopposed, my salary has not increased since Jimmy Carter was president. (Please do not look at the back of my head. A mayor has to eat. Sometimes I pick at my cheese.)
I come to you with top hat in hand. I am ready for a comeback. Seeing my McDonald's go down like Big Mac's cop career after he salt-and-pepper-sprayed that elderly PETA protester has invigorated me. I am ready to lead McDonald's into a new, prosperous era. A return to our heyday of the 1970s.
Get rid of all these “healthy” alternatives on the menu. Smoothies? Salads? Frappes? No one goes to McDonald's for their health. Time to dig up the Fresh Tossed Salad Orchard and put in a McNugget pipeline. For the kids, make the Happy Meals happy again! Fill those boxes to overflowing with french fries and lead-based, chokeable toys. For the grown-ups, McRibs and Shamrock Shakes ALL YEAR ROUND.
Give the people what they want: quick-fried sodium and sucrose delivery systems at extremely low prices—and me. Together, we can turn this company around. I want my McDonaldland back, don't you know?
Toodleloo!
Sincerely,
The Honorable Mayor McCheese
