An open letter to the MAN who took MY innocents,
I have spent years trying to build up enough courage to address what You put me through. The older I get the angrier I am. The more it effects me, not only me but my family. My mental health, my mothering, my ability to be vulnerable as a wife. I’m tired of keep secrets inside. I’m a mother not only to a son but of girls. I feel as if I can’t be a proper mother to my daughters because I am terrified something will happen to them the way it did me. I’ve turned into a helicopter mom for this very reason! YOU! I’m afraid to have any male figure alone with them and if they are my mind is wondering the whole time. I realized I was hiding behind who you were and who I thought you were. How I was terrified to tell because of how I would be punished. I was terrified no one would believe me because of who you were. The fact that I was only 12 years old the first time you talked my mother into letting me be alone with you (6 or so years older than me) in your mustang because you told her I was depressed and needed to talk to someone.
The first time
I looked up to you as a brother. I remember the whole way from your house the one my mother let you take me from alone, you telling me how you always knew I had a crush on you and how I always wanted to be around you and my brother. I guess you never thought about that’s what kids do. They want to be included. A child isn’t thinking a grown man is “sexy” as you put it. I remember how you had your hands in my panties telling me you’d be the only one to give me the perfect orgasm. Telling me to moan for you as I’m just sitting there with my fingers tied together clinching my hands so tight afraid to move because of how painful it was and how I honestly had no idea what an orgasm even was. You kept driving so slow and I was praying in my head you was just hurry. Hoping you would just be finished with me. We pulled into the driving range and my mother said how did I beat you here? you said we was just talking. I was trying to get her to open up to me. (Humm literally) you kept telling me to stop clinching and spread my legs. I ran across the street to my grandmas house and went to the bathroom. I had a burning feeling when I peed. My mother said why didn’t you come back for My brothers friends birthday party? I just sat there and said I didn’t want to. After that you asked if I wanted to ride to my house with you and I said no I’m staying here.
I had to go to therapy, after this I was Depressed! I was holding something in that I needed to tell but couldn’t. I had panic attacked at school, the doctor even wanted me to be put in a hospital because she was afraid I’d kill myself and honestly I wanted to die. Shame I never told her about you.
Over a year went by and I didn’t see you I tried to forget, you didn’t show up anymore. I mean you was already in the military and serving overseas. You hero. I’m sure you felt so happy I didn’t speak up.
The Second Time
Then you came back. I didn’t mention it. Everyone was so happy to see you. Praising you for how brave you are. Older than my own older brother that was looking up to you was so proud of you. You spoke to me; asked how I was feeling but didn’t get to close. I just turned 13. It was summer. My brother mentioned that we was going camping he was in high school now. Me!? I was still in middle school. You said you’d join. That you was staying In town with some friends. I didn’t want to go but my brother already promised me I could come with him. I think it was more my mom said I had to go if his gf was going. I loved my brother and just wanted a good friendship with him. He was trying to be the big brother (three years older than me) and I needed it so much. I needed to feel someone cared about me.
We packed up and went just across the hill to Elbert’s property. We set up camp. My brother and his girl friend was there I was there and so were you along with your cousin or brother? (Some kid my age) My brother left to get the rest of the supplies with his gf. You told me it was a hint for them to be alone. He told me to stay there and you stayed too and so did the boy. I remember you started to talk to me, warming me back up to trusting you, we searched for firewood and if I’m not mistaken I was hit in the head by wood and had a big spot on my forehead. I said it’s been a long time since you were here and you said yeah “ I didn’t know what would happen or if you would tell”. I said “ I wouldn’t do that”. (Even though I wanted to so badly) but at this time I guess I just craved attention. After that you sat beside me on the log and told the boy to go look for some sticks and stuff for the fire. You gave me a beer and told me it was okay to drink it. You was over 21 and able to buy alcohol. He did as he was told went to look for wood. When he was out of site you kissed me. Told me you missed me. To not be scared. I didn’t kiss back at first then you said it’s okay. I remember your lips went over my whole mouth to a point where it was uncomfortable for me to breath. Your tongue was in my mouth and I just kept my mouth open. You grabbed my hand and put it over your shorts and told me to feel it. You kept your hand over mine as you slobbered all over my neck aggressively. You stood up and picked me up and carried me over to the rocks out of site in case someone came back. Everything you was doing felt so fast and aggressive. You took your shirt off and laid it on the ground and told me to lay down on it. I did as I was told. I had no breast but I remember you lifting up my shirt and bitting what I did have. I didn’t make a noise. I laid there. You pulled my pants down and kissed my stomach really fast until you reached my area. Your mouth went over my whole area then came your tongue. You took your fingers and started rubbing me while licking me, I still laid there afraid to move. It didn’t feel good it felt nasty. You kept raising up looking around and I stared at the sky then would shut my eyes. I don’t remember what I was thinking about in that moment, I just remember the feeling of disgust. Praying someone would come, hoping my brother would show up. You kept making noises and the raised me up still rubbing me with one hand and took my hand with the other and placed it on you again. You said your going to jack it off and I said I don’t know how to do that. You said it’s okay we will do it together. You pulled down your pants just enough for it to come out and put my hand on it and placed your over top of mine. You told me not to squeeze it to hard and then you started moving it. You continued to rub me then would kiss my neck. I kept my eyes pointed passed you staring at the rocks. You took my face and told me to lay down I did. I crossed my hands over my stomach and you told me to lay them beside me. I did. You proceeded to stay on your knees over top of me and finish your self. That was the first time I seen a MAN ejaculate it was on my stomach. I wanted to puke. You told me you would have had sex with me but I’m still to little that I would need experience first before you would attempt it. I pulled my pants up and the boy was walking back with a log. He had really scrawny arms and was trying so hard to impress you but he was struggling you quickly pulled your pants up and left the shirt on the ground. I got up and walked back towards where the fire would be and then you followed. You said we was looking for sticks to when he asked what you were doing. He tried to throw the log over his head and it came back and almost knocked him out. My brother showed back up with his gf not to long after that. We sat there you acted like nothing happened. I didn’t speak much. I don’t remember staying there I’m pretty sure I went back home. I wish I would have told my brother what you did to me that night I wish on everything But I was scared. I didn’t see you for awhile after that. I did end up telling my two best friends what happened but I tried to protect you I just couldn’t bare to have it on my chest anymore. You didn’t try for a long time to come around. My brother and his gf broke up and he was with another girl. This was years later. I started dating someone and I told him about what happened. He told me it was abuse but again I tried to protect you and begged him not to say a word. He hated you. Deep down I did too.
My brother got his own place with his gf and they were raising their daughter together. My bf and I broke up for a few weeks and I was coming to babysit while they had date night. You was there living in his building.
The Third Try Is The Charm
I came over to my brothers and was babysitting. They told me they wouldn’t be very long considering they never left the baby for long so I though okay I’m safe. My brother told me about how he caught you with his girlfriends friend in the kitchen one night when you all was drinking. He told me he told you it was disgusting and how young she was and how old you were that it better not happen again. I was probably 16maybe 17 because my brothers gf was a year or so older than me and his daughter was still a baby.
You came inside after they left and was talking to me. I felt relieved that an hour or so had passed and not once did you mention anything. I didn’t pay much attention to you. You was drinking and had smoked prior. You asked me if I wanted a beer I said no. You asked if I wanted to smoke, I said no. I thought if I did this then you would take the hint. You told me about your break ups and asked about mine. You told me I deserved better and how you never liked the boy I was with for years at this point. I tried to be stand off ish so nothing would happen and then you did it again. You grabbed my waist and kissed me. Again your mouth was so much bigger than mine and your tongue was stuck in my throat. I pulled back and stopped I said no they will be home soon and my niece is right here. you kept asking, you said it will be awhile before they come back, you said she’s asleep and I continued to say no. I didn’t want to. It was like you were begging me to do it. I finally got the courage up to tell you no and you finally took the hint and went to your building. I prayed my brother would be home soon so I could feel safe. I kept looking out the window I locked the back door so if you was to come back In you’d have to go through the front. You didn’t come back in even when he got home. I was so relieved and so happy that my brother was home. I felt safe finally from you. You lived with him for awhile after that until finally he told you to move out and get a job. You know only a retired veteran can live this was so long off of people and pray on innocent children.
I didn’t see you again for a long time probably a few years or so after you moved because I tried to avoid coming to my brothers alone anymore after that night.
The Final Attempt
My brother and his gf broke up and his first girl friend and him got back together they had their first child. I was Dealing with all my trauma. You moved away I’m not sure where to because I honestly didn’t care to remember. You messaged me and told me you were coming to visit. You wanted to see me that you would be at my brothers. My friend that knew about this since the camping trip came with me. I didn’t want any chance of you trying anything on me yet again. It was stupid to even put myself in this position yet again. I guess I just needed to prove that you don’t have control over me and when I say no it matters now. We came there and hung out you was drinking asked me if I wanted a drink I said no. My friend was there to protect me. She asked if I was ready to go and I said yes. We only stayed for about 45 minutes. I told her I didn’t want to be there long. You looked at me and was like your really leaving and I said yes we have somewhere to go and you was so angry. I didn’t hug you. I said goodbye and that was it. That was the last night I’m pretty sure I’ve seen you other than maybe in passing here and there. I started to realize that what you did to me was unnecessary, unacceptable, unhealthy, dangerous, sickening, I had my daughter and I vowed over my dead body will a man like you ever come near my daughters. I will always protect them. I would never even give them a chance to be afraid to tell me someone did this to them because I would never let them be around a person like you or you in general. I even worked at the nursing home I took care of a woman who’s daughter you used to date and I told her about you, How I hated you. So this is it. You make me sick. The older I get the worse it is. You need to own up to your actions. Especially being a father of girls. I hope you don’t feel special about what you did to me. You wasn’t the only one. But you was the worst one. God judges you. He will place you were you deserve to be. I hope your daughters never have to go through this with you like I did. I’m sure I’m not the only one either.
Sincerely,
The adult version of the child you abused.
