I am angry at you because, I have forgiven you again, like every other time. Without a single word spoken between us I have forgiven you and allowed myself to feel the blame of your anger, sadness, stress, and every emotion I never wanted you to feel. I am angry because I still miss you when I hear a song on the radio, or smell a scent of cologne. When I miss you it’s like all of the rare good times outweigh the all of the bad times. I still wish for a second I was in that two-bedroom house with you, cooking your supper, cleaning up after your messes, and feeling warm when you would say “I love you”. But then I want to hate you, so much, because I know you didn’t love me. Or at least you didn’t love me as I loved you. Because to me, you were more than just an object that I could use for money, or a house to live in, or someone to hold on a lonely night. To me you were my home, you were the only thing that kept me from being lonely, you were the light in my day. And that makes me feel truly crazy that I loved you, but me being crazy makes sense to you right? It’s easier to call me crazy than to take responsibility for your own actions.
But I still loved you through all of the blame you put on me. Like the times you blamed me for you abusing me while you stood over me bleeding on the floor. But I loved you still, I loved you while your handprints around my neck healed, I loved you even after the multiple times I walked by that whole in the wall where you pushed me threw. I loved you even though every time you went to hold my hand or give me a hug, I would flinch in fear that you would hurt me. I loved you after all the times you cheated and let evil words about me spill out to the other girls you treated so nice, the girls you called gorgeous and perfect. But for me I was a “bitch” “piece of shit” “a stupid blonde”. ME?? The girl who washed and dried your dirty underwear, who mopped beer and whiskey off the wood floors from all your drunken nights, the girl who had to pull myself up off the floor just to clean up the blood from myself that you caused. The girl who was too stupid in love to let your evil ways make me leave. Every time I tried to tell you how I feel you refused to listen or made empty promises you could not keep just so I would shut up for a while. You promised you would change, you promised not to hit me, you promised to stop cheating, and you promised to be the man I needed. But just like that you lied, you never changed, you never stopped hitting me, you never stopped cheating, and you were never the man I needed you to be.
I don’t think you understand the person I was before I met you. I was outgoing, funny, caring, and so so happy. I wasn’t shy, I never met a stranger, I had so many nice guys offering to take me out but none that caught my eye like you. From the first night, we met I should have known that this was not where I was supposed to be but your dark eyes, long legs, and a charming smile took my heart and didn’t give it back. The way you talked, the way you sipped your beer, the way you laughed I knew I needed you. So I spent those first few weeks doing all I could do to impress you. I spent hours doing my hair, planning fun trips for us, destroyed my room looking for cute outfits. And that was never like me before, I felt this change in myself and at first, I thought it was for the best. But then things got dark, you changed, and you took the real me with you. I went from laughing constantly to crying on the kitchen floor, praying God would take my pain away. You don’t know how many times I wished my life would just be taken away from me so that I didn’t have this pain of loving someone like you. You don’t know how badly I wanted to take my own life, how depressed I was, how many nights I woke up unable to breathe. But then I wonder how much pain you have to be in to be that miserable of a person. I hope you get the help you need because I truly feel like you are not okay as a person. Even as I set down to write this, I can’t help but think that it is pointless. I know you think that you did nothing wrong. I know that you think my actions excuse your behavior. I know you think that you were a good boyfriend. I know that you think that I’m just some crazy slut crying out for attention. I know that you think that I ruined the best thing I ever had. I know you think these things because there is a small voice inside me that thinks these things too. It is a voice you planted inside my head. One that I will never fully be able to get rid of. It reminds me of all the nice things you did. How you used to brush my hair behind my ear and hold me when I cried. It tells me what you told me time and time again. That nobody can love me as you did. But I hope at some point I will have the strength to hear a louder voice telling me that everything you did was wrong, and I find the person who can love me the right way. And I pray at some point I can stop hating myself for allowing you to love me the wrong way.
But lastly, I need to thank you for the things you have given me. First by showing me what I love most about myself, by taking those things away from me for so long. Next by showing me that I’m tough enough to get knocked down sometimes, and more than strong enough to get back up. Lastly thank you for showing me that no matter how much I love, care, and take care of someone I can’t fix their selfishness, their psychopathic behaviors, and their narcissistic ways. That I deserve someone that doesn’t want to change me, and that I want someone who shouldn’t have to change for me. And when I find that person, and I walk down the aisle or see my son take his first steps, that you are to thank because without you showing me what I don’t need I might not have found such joy and perfection, and most of all strength in myself and my life.
The girl that is too strong to know you now.