An Open Letter To The Man I thought Was "The One"

Subject: An Open Letter To The Man I thought Was "The One"
From: YourBufferGurl
Date: 7 Feb 2018

I'm glad you're back together with her. Really, I am. That's what you've always wanted, right?

To get back to your complicate affair and try to waste another 3 years of your life trying to get her to leave her husband for you. Oh sweetie, you poor thing.

I think you were so used to being miserable that when I showed you what it feels like to be happy, you think it's a joke. You're so used to be given only a tiny fraction of her time and attention because she's too busy biking or going to the gym or hanging out with friends or just enjoying her much preferred life that when I gave you mine 24/7, it's too much. You're used to always reminding her why she should choose you and leave her husband for you that when you were my only choice, you think there wasn't any challenge. You craved for normality that when I gave you that, you think we're going a thousand miles an hour. You used to beg for attention and affection from her that when I showered you with it, you can't reciprocate it.

Maybe you couldn't open up all the way to me. Maybe you were blind to my brightness. Blind to my light and deaf to my music.

You'd rather run after your "what if" and throw away our "what is", our "what will be".

You've been fighting for and pursuing her for 3 years, why stop now right? All in the hopes that winning her would give you your utmost satisfaction and the euphoria you've been looking for.

But I think that's not love, that's just plain stupidity. That "happiness" is only fleeting. It honestly sounds like you're just in it for the sake of winning. That it's not a lost cause. To not let 3 years of your life go to waste. So you continue to do it and waste more. But maybe that's just me. Me and apparently 7 billion other people in the world.

You're a coward, you know? Your fear of commitment contradicted your fear of ending up alone. You'd rather lie and ask for time and space and keep me hanging just in case, instead of having the balls to end it yourself. You'd rather go for someone who broke you and took you for granted, and dump someone who gave you everything and loved you wholeheartedly. You're spineless.

It's weird to talk to you at work now, you know? You treat me as if I'm the one who caused you pain. Need I remind you that I'm only talking to you because I have to. I have to be professional and keep my composure at work. We have to separate our personal lives, no matter how severe and difficult our separation was.

Sometimes I think you're just playing another game. You show me how grumpy you are, treat me indifferently because you know I've always tried and made you happy. That I would always chat you first and keep the conversation going, ask you if you needed company, if you needed someone to talk to. But I'm done playing your games. You're not the one in control here.

You're mistaking me for someone who's running after you. Who wants you back and hope that maybe this time, you'll actually love me.

I was naive to fall for you flowery words, your good listening skills, your sweetness, your intelligence, your charm. So I broke down my walls for you. For you and all your promises that were seemingly wrapped around in gold. I fell for your vulnerability that I couldn't quite comprehend. You made me feel like I'm worth it. I'm worth sacrificing for. I'm worth risking it all for.

So I ignored all the red flags that were waving right in front of me. I closed my eyes and jumped off that ledge blindingly trusting you with all my broken pieces that you're going to jump with me too.

But you didn't. And you just watched me as I fall deeper and deeper and finally crash and burn.

I held on to you will all my broken pieces. I gave you chances, understanding, showed you kindness and care even when you didn't deserve it.

You don't deserve me.

I'm actually glad I met your family. They were able to get to know what kind of a person I am, and soon enough they will know what kind of a person you'd rather be with.

I remember when we visited your father's grave, I spoke to him. I told him I wish I could meet him in person. I told him he shouldn't worry about you anymore, because I'm here now. I promised him I will take care of you and love you wholeheartedly and unconditionally. I will make sure that you will always eat proper. I will never hurt you nor leave you, and I will always make you happy.

Tell your father I'm sorry I tried, the door for the opportunity to do so is closed now. You slammed the door on my face. Tell your mother I'm sorry I won't be able to take care of you anymore. To cook for you, to make sure you're eating well. Tell your brother I'm sorry we won't be able to hang out anymore. I know how much he craved for a new friend, someone who is as much of an introvert as he is, who loves sci-fi and geeky stuff. Tell him I will miss all our conversations about some TV series and movies we watch, about space and all the nerd jokes we've exchanged.

I think people are starting to notice there's something odd between us now. That's OK. I want the resentment to seep through. I want to tell everyone you hurt me. I want to tell the world you've caused me so much pain. I want to hate you. I want to be angry with you. I don't want to forgive you.

But unfortunately, I do. I do forgive you.

Because there is no reason for me to keep grudges from you. Because I need to let go of the pain and anger and hate. Because I need to let you go and move forward. In order for me to do that, I need to forgive you.

Thank you for this short-lived experience. I now know what I want in a relationship.

I am brave enough to tell you that I no longer love you.

I didn't want to leave. But you didn't give me any reason to stay.

I'm slowly moving on. I'm getting there, back to where I started. Afraid as hell to start all over again, but willing to do it. I'm ready for it. Ready to embrace a new future ahead - a future without you. Our story may have ended sooner than I expected, but you're just another chapter in my book now. I may be broken now, but that's just temporary. Just like you.

Time will pass, you will remember me. You will miss me. You will need me. You will reminisce all our happy moments, all the love I gave you. You will miss my lips and my warm body pressed against yours. You will miss my smile. You will start asking yourself why you gave up. You'll soon realise my value. What you've lost. What you're never getting back.