Years have passed, seasons have changed and so has our love for one another.
Somewhere along the lines we got tangled up in so many different webs, we didn't realize the underlying truth that we were truly unhappy.
I think both of us were in denial for a while.
I remember the first day I met you. You made me believe that love at first sight was real. I was so infatuated with you, I would've done anything to be with you. And I did.
I did everything for you. I probably spoiled you way more than you deserved but I never minded because I was so irrevocably in love with everything about you. You could have done anything and I would've thought it was the best thing in the world because YOU did it. I was blind sided by being 18 and finding what I thought was my first love.
It wasn't all bad though. We have many lovely memories that I will forever remember. I honestly believe that you made me a cooler person. You showed me that it was okay to step out of my comfort zone and take risks. You encouraged me to get my own motorcycle because you knew how badly I wanted to. You pushed me to always better myself at my job and helped me become a better service advisor. You are part of the reason I am where I am today. You were my mentor and my best friend and I will never stop being grateful for every nice thing you have done for me. It's hard to picture life without you because you've been in it so long. It's hard to accept we won't go on all the sled trips and bike trips we have planned. It'll be weird to not have you working on my snowmobile. It'll be strange not coming home to you every night. I don't know what I will do with my lunches anymore if I'm not coming to your work to have lunch with you. I don't even know where to begin. I will miss all of our inside jokes and the fact that we were so in sync, we knew exactly what the other person was thinking just by looking at their facial expressions. What we had was very special, and I hope you agree. I will miss that!
And your family; I love your family like my own. They will be especially hard to say goodbye to. Your mother has taken me under her wing as her own and given me more love and comfort than I can ever repay. And your friends have become my friends. I don't see them as your friends, but as our friends. I know it's your right to have your friends and family but I'm afraid of losing them too.
We have had so many great times. However, I will also remember the permanent damage you have done to me and my soul. You made me think it was okay to accept something I don't agree with merely because you said so. You made me feel insecure and unloved. I started to cower and allowed you to treat me like your personal door mat because I was still holding on to the memories from two years ago, hoping with everything I had that we could go back to that place.
We never did.
Eventually, our love turned into resentment. For both of us I think.
I could hate you for all the bullshit you put me through. All the tears I shed for you, all the times I felt alone because you wouldn't come home. The lies, the names, every bad thing, because I still remember it all. But the truth is, I don't hate you. I could never hate you. You helped shape me into the person I am today. And really, I should thank you. I believe you were a test. I will never again let my thoughts and opinions be overthrown by a man. I will never again depend on someone else for my happiness. I will forever be cautious of the people I let in my life and I will never stop believing in what I believe in. You made me realize that I know what I want in life and in a man. I'm sorry we couldn't be all that we hoped we'd be.
It'll be weird to not have a ring on my left hand, but they say time heals all wounds. Street outlaws and diesel brothers will never be the same. Every time gas monkey garage comes on at work, I'll think of you. Every time I see something totally ridiculous, illegal but genius, I'll think of you and smile. You have made such an impact on my life that I couldn't forget you even if I wanted to.
I hope that eventually we can forgive each other for the wrongs we have BOTH committed, and maybe even be friends again. I will sure miss you, best friend.
You will always be my first love
Forever&always
..K
