What did you do to me?
You loved me?
You comforted me. Held me, confided in me, wanted me. You wanted me, and you didn’t want anyone else to have me.
You cared about me?
That’s doubtful. But what isn’t doubtful is the fact that you LIED to me.
I don’t sleep around. I’m not a whore and I’m not trashy.
It's not like I wasn’t careful with you. I did nothing to deserve this.
We talked about this! I asked you about this! Again and Again. And Again. But you’d never let up. You believed your own lie, and never felt any remorse. You lied to my face. For months. Over and Over, again.
You took me for granted, you betrayed me, and you ruined me.
Am I not good enough? How much more could I have given you? I loved you. Wonderfully and honestly. Wholeheartedly and openly. And this is what you do to me..I gave you everything. I get sick on the thought of all I did for you and this is what I’m given.
No one will want me.
I wouldn’t want me.
I was pure and I was innocent. I was beautifully made. Not only in appearance, but from what I had to offer. I am loving and kind. Never selfish with love. I want to talk with you and I want to know you. I am loyal. I am understanding. I gave you my all and didn’t expect anything in return..
But how could you do this to me?
Of all people..
What am I now?
I am dirty and I am sick.
So, every day I wake up and toss another pill down my throat. Aside from my anti-depressant, and aside from my eating-disorder medication. I swallow this horse pill every morning that prevents outbreaks and decreases the risk of transmission, because there is no way in hell I am going to do this to someone else, how you carelessly and intentionally did this to me, and countless others.
Do you understand that I have to live with this for the rest of my life? This isn't some joke. While you carry on with your business, picking up your next victim, taking her home and ruining her, I am over here being a good person. Being responsible. Not being you..
I am angry. I am sad. I am hopeless.
Helpless.
I can’t have relationships. Who wants to be with someone that has Herpes?
When I find someone new.. Someone that won’t lie to me, cheat me, cause me pain.. I will have to hope and pray that they have it in their heart to understand what happened to me and not look at me with disgust.. But that’s not the only sad part.
Do you think its going to be easy bringing that up?
“I have Herpes”..
Are you kidding me? How embarrassing. How repulsive.
When that moment comes, I know I will have to try my hardest to fight back the tears when the person I want, or even the person I’ll love, no longer wants me.
I am trash.
I am broken and I am nothing.
I’ve screamed in agony. Wept till I was dry. Prayed and begged to God.
WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME! What do you want me to learn? I have done NOTHING wrong.. I can’t be with anyone that I’ll want..
And then I thought about that.
I can’t be.. With just anyone..
The person that decides to be with me through this illness is going to be someone that loves me more than himself. Someone that would risk their well-being just to be with me. Just to call me, theirs. For the rest of their life. It will be someone that isn’t after me because of anything, but my soul.. It’s going to be someone that truly loves me.
This person will fall in love with me and when I tell them what had happened…
It. Wont. Matter.
You know what.
I am no longer in pain. I will no longer cry over this.
God has a plan for me.
He knows what I have to offer. He knows what kind of partner, lover, woman I am. He wants the absolute best for me and I am going to get it. I won’t end up marrying someone that wants me for any other reason but because they’re madly in love with me. And that’s what I have always wished for. It won’t be for looks, money, lust.. It will be for love. And that’s the greatest gift I could ask for.
To the individual that gave me Herpes,
Thank you.
