Dear Heather,
When I saw your blog post come across my Facebook feed this morning, I have to say I was surprised. My initial reaction was to wonder how a lesbian couple had managed to raise a child with a prejudice against their own community. But after reading your letter, I have come to understand your position a bit more. However, I continue to disagree with your logic.
I’ll start by introducing myself. I am 19 years old, and my parents are divorced. They divorced when I was 7 years old after a few years of chaos that I did not fully understand until much later. Past kindergarten, I grew up in two separate households with very different rules, structures, and procedures. I was a classic case of split custody.
I know that divorce is a very traumatizing experience for children. I was fortunate to have parents with no legal custody arrangement who agreed to split time almost evenly, and thus grew up under the more or less equal care of both biological parents. I was not caught up in the fighting, and I did not even become aware of any animosity between my parents until I was much older. However, even in such a favorable environment, the changes involved in the divorce were stressful. I had difficulty adjusting, as any child might. And so I took advantage of nearly every support service offered to me. Group therapy, one-on-one counseling, mentoring programs, you name it. These services taught me all the usual things you hear: Divorce isn’t your fault. Your parents still love you. You will get through this.
You know what they didn’t teach?
Divorce is wrong.
That’s right. Despite all the trauma it caused for me and for others, not a single person in all of this confusion ever told us that our experiences made a case for banning divorce. No one ever said that the effects divorce has on its children are enough to make it immoral or unjust. And no one, not one person, tried to tell me that they were against divorce because they advocated for “children’s rights.”
Divorce is a scary thing for some children. It can be a scary thing for some adults. But no one denies the fact that a happily divorced couple is better for everyone than an unhappily married couple. No one will call parents selfish for serving their own needs by getting out of a toxic marriage, no matter what harms it brings to their children.
So why, then, are we opposing same-sex marriage in the name of children’s rights?
For one thing, preventing same-sex couples from marrying will do nothing to keep them from having children. But even if we were to stick to a “traditional family structure” by preventing same-sex couples from adopting or having children, who would we be helping? The child who would otherwise have grown up with one mother and no father? The child who would have remained in foster care with no family to adopt her? The child who would end up homeless because her single father could not afford to raise her without the help of his non-legal partner?
I am sorry that your experience has been so negative for you, Mrs. Barwick. I am sorry that you never had the opportunity to have a father and I am sorry that this has hurt you. But I want you to think about all the gay, lesbian, and bisexual people in the world who want nothing more than the right to marry the one that they love before you turn against the community you were raised into.
Your story is unique, as is mine. There are children out there who went through divorce and are better off because of it. There are children out there who were utterly traumatized by their parents’ divorce. There are children out there with two moms or two dads who love their parents and want nothing else from their families. And I’m sure there are those raised by same-sex couples who agree with your stance. But you do not speak for everyone.
By asking “why can’t gay people’s kids be honest?” you imply that every child raised by same-sex parents must feel the way you do, and I’m sure you know that that is not the case. Many children are perfectly happy in their “nontraditional” family units. Of course, many others may not be. But the same is true of divorce, and we do not use the experiences of those who suffered as a case for banning divorce, or even evidence that divorce affects all children negatively. The experiences of one person do not speak for others.
Divorced kids support groups were there for me when I was struggling. Support groups for kids missing a mother or father, whether through adoption or single parenthood, are out there as well. Should children of same-sex couples have the same resources? Of course. If children feel that they are suffering because of their living situation, they should have resources available to them. But I’d be willing to bet that not all of them are. Children of same-sex couples are capable of leading fulfilling lives, and for those who enjoy and are satisfied with their family units, it is not your place or anyone’s to take that from them. You said yourself that you were once happy with your situation. I wonder, would you still feel that way if no one had taught you that you shouldn’t?
If you want to advocate for children’s rights, you have plenty of options. Start a support group. Teach classes. Lead camps and workshops. Help children like you know that they are not alone and give them the chance to speak up. You said yourself that children of same-sex couples do not have the same voice that children of divorce or adoptive homes do. So give them that voice. But don’t act like you’re helping children by depriving them of loving homes when that may be their only chance at a family. Your story is not the only one out there, and you cannot assume that your suffering is experienced by every child of a same-sex couple. Banning same-sex marriage and child adoption will not benefit children who are happy with their families, and it certainly will not benefit the community you claim to love. Do not advocate for children’s rights by taking away their parents’.
Sincerely,
A (Bisexual) Child of Divorce
