A Letter to You…
To you, my best friend, my only kiss, my first love… this is for you.
You were my soulmate. My partner in crime. When I was next to you I felt like I could conquer the world. I remember the good times. The late nights, the face-times, the laughs. I remember us belting out songs in your truck, I remember me standing out your sunroof as we drove along the beach, I remember us swing dancing on my porch, I remember deep talks, I remember tearful goodbyes… I remember it all.
Now every day I wish I could forget you. I wish that every single song that comes on the radio didn’t have a piece of you in it. I can’t wait until the day when I can look at a piece of the past and not see you in it, hear a new song without wanting to make you learn it so we can sing it together, or find a beautiful view without wanting to show you it.
I hate that we didn’t last. I still don’t know why we didn’t.
You were amazing. You treated me so kind. You were so thoughtful. You made me feel like the most important girl in the world.
When did it all change?
When did you start to make me feel insignificant. Like I didn’t matter.
When did you stop laughing at my jokes?
When did you start seeing me as second place, second rate?
When did you decide to start keeping things from me?
When did you start seeing me as a way to satisfy a desire instead of a person with value?
When did you decide to start saying one thing and doing another?
When did you decide to start lying and going against your word?
When did you stop seeing me as your best friend?
You make me feel small. You made a girl once so sure of who she was, so sure of who God made her to be, and made her shy away. Scared to trust, scared to love, scared to get hurt.
How dare you. How dare you make me feel like I need to blame myself.
So this is me saying sorry… but not to you.
To myself, I am so sorry,
I am so sorry that you fell in love with your best friend.
I am so sorry that you kept going back because you thought he could change.
I am so sorry that every day your heart still breaks because he made you feel worthless.
I am so sorry that he stopped seeing you for the diamond that you are.
I am so sorry he hurt you.
I am so sorry you hurt yourself.
Please keep dreaming even when you think you won’t make it.
Please keep fighting even when it seems you are outnumbered.
Please keep seeing the good in people even when no one else does.
Please keep trusting because trust goes a long way.
Please keep trying, because you never know what amazing thing is around the corner.
So, I am making the choice to move on. Not because I want to, part of me still sees good in you, but because It’s time I start caring for myself more than I care for you.
I deserve happiness.
I deserve to feel like I am valued and like I matter.
I deserve to know what it’s like to have someone love every part of me.
Goodbye best friend, only kiss, first love… it was a hell of a ride.
