You broke up with me Sunday May 3rd, 2015. You did it via text. You said you were going to be too busy after you graduated to have a boyfriend. You said we didn’t get to see each other enough as it is and college was going to make it even harder. You said you had to focus on your studies. You said we would talk and you wanted to stay friends. You lied...
We only dated for eight months. Which is not that long, but it felt like a lifetime. As you know I had just gotten out of that shitty home situation I had been in for way too long and was trying to change. I was trying to get clean. I was trying to get better.
You see, I almost find it humorous that you were hesitant to date me at first because you didn’t want to get hurt but yet you were the one that hurt me. You ripped my heart out. No warning, no anesthetic to numb the pain, not even a kiss goodbye. No phone call. No I love you.
Fast forward three months; we graduated high school, I started working full time, you were getting ready to go to college in the fall and I found myself with no friends, working all the time, sleeping all the time and burying my face in books everyday to ignore the world. On July 18th I went to Warped and found myself almost crying during Citizen's set and looking over my shoulder every few minutes hoping that I had seen you walk past. Not long after that, the 31st to be exact, my mother dropped dead. You had never met my mother because we didn't have a very good relationship the past two years but all the same, I was destroyed and my world was falling apart around me. A piece of me died that day... Throughout the entire process of burying my mother and so on, tons of people posted all over social media and reached out to me. The usual "I am so sorry for your loss, she was a beautiful person, I'm just a phone call away if you need me." kind of bullshit. Your entire family reached out to me, your mom, sister, dad and your grandmother who continues to message me and comment on my posts to this day. Yet I didn't hear from you, imagine that! That was the day I realized you we worthless to me and I started to despise you...
Fast forward to November 22nd, I went to go see a buddy of mine's band play in a local show, your favorite band just happened to be headlining that night but it didn't even cross my mind... That is until I saw you with him, your new boyfriend that is. When I saw you I just stayed where I was, I was in the pit for a while so I didn't notice you but when I did all the blood drained from my body. I didn't think you even saw me until I looked up one time and you were staring right at me, dead straight in the eyes, yet you just stared. You stared as if you didn't even see me, like you were looking at someone behind me, like I wasn't there, like I was a ghost... So please just tell me, were those eight months of your life just a waste? Did I really mean that little to you? Was I really a nobody to you anymore? Or was it that you just felt guilty, were you silently hating yourself for not keeping in contact with me? Were you contemplating telling me you were sorry about my mom? Were you considering doing what was right and apologize? As much as I would love to think all those things are true, I can assure myself that they are not for the fact that it is prevalent and very clear that you only care about one person, yourself.
You broke my heart, that is true. But it made me realize that you don't have a heart to break so I supposed revenge is out of the question. The main thing is, we were good together, or at least from what I knew. Maybe you were never happy but I didn't cheat, I never did anything wrong; on the contrary I took care of you. I cared about you and worried about you more than I did myself and I think that was the problem. I loved you more than I loved myself and that isn't a healthy relationship whatsoever. The only question to ask at this point is where would we be today if we were together, but that's never going to happen...
We could have been beautiful.
We could have been magic.
We could have been.