"We are all addicted to something that takes the pain away."
How many times have you seen that phrase used in sentimental images, or in ironic memes? Probably a handful, considering how much both of these things get thrown around on social media. The sad part is, it's entirely true.
For my mom, it's coffee, cleaning, and reading a good book. For a few of my friends, swallowing large clouds of thick marijuana smoke. For me - it's causing myself more pain.
I know you're worried about me. Trust me, I know. Ever since I was first spotted with a very minor incision across my left wrist, and ushered away by a concerned teacher to talk about feelings, I've known.
I've become used to the stares, the questions. The name calling and the whispers.
It's unsightly. It's ugly and I'm sure the thought of someone mutilating themselves isn't the prettiest image to have in your head. Being associated with someone like that? That's fucked up, man!
I don't know if anyone could, or will ever love me because of this. The thought of my clothes coming off, and that area of my thigh standing out, only to be a turn off, or a sudden "are you alright?!". Not to mention the constant anxiety over me hurting myself.
I am so aware, nobody wants to deal with the stigma that these red lines illustrate.
To be quite honest, I often feel like a complete idiot afterwards, sitting in my endorphin filled cloud.
But when it happens, (even though it has become quite rare these days), it's 0-100 real, real quick. To show in more detail:
Emotion > Anxiety > Panic > Cutting > Relief.
It all happens so quickly, too. Notice how "rational thought" isn't in there? Yeah.
Anywho,
I've been on and off clean over the years. Scars fade, only to be replaced by fresh ones, when the occasion comes. Pencil sharpeners have their blades unscrewed, box cutters turn from an office supply to something that paints my legs the color of red I crave.
My relapse isn't something you should worry about. A couple hundred incisions wont hurt me, but I know when you see it, it will hurt you.
And I'm sorry.
I am always actively trying to cut this out. (Horrible pun intended.) And i hope some day it'll fully go away, scars and everything.
-l.
