An open letter to the friend I lost.

Subject: An open letter to the friend I lost.
From: Me
Date: 4 Feb 2016

Wow. Things drastically changed. It's heartbreaking because I was always afraid of something like this happening. We don't talk anymore.. I check in sometimes just because I miss you but I don't get a response back. It makes me feel pathetic and I feel dumb because I care so much.
I'm not mad at you. I could never be mad at you. After everything you've done and helped me get through, it just isn't possible. If anything, I'm more pissed off at myself. I caused this. I pushed you away. At first, I dealt with my depression on my own but even though you were my swim/water polo coach, you were kind enough to reach out to me and let me know that it was okay to confide in you. That it was okay to trust you. It wasn't easy for me at first but as time went on, I realized that you had a genuine heart. You cared about me and I hadn't felt that from someone in a long time. You were easy to talk to.
You mean so much to me.. Reason being, I tried ending my life/no longer wanted to exist because life at home felt too hard. You were always there for me. I can't tell you how much that means to me.
Seeing you walk through those doors at the mental hospital to come visit me made me feel so many emotions. I saw you and gave you the biggest hug. I remember wanting to break down and cry because I felt so loved and cared for by someone.
I never had someone do as much as you've done for me. I'm so grateful but I'm so sorry at the same time. I took you for granted and burdened you with all of my problems. I came off clingy and I'm so sorry. I've always been afraid of you leaving my life because everyone has before. But I'm so sorry. I just care so much and I tried to convey that to you as best as I could. I'm sorry for putting you through what I did. I hope I can better myself in this regard because I don't want to keep pushing people away.
You became a best friend. A sister. I'm sure at times I didn't show it, but I've always been incredibly thankful for you. I look back on all of the good and bad memories and I always tend to shed some tears. You used to be my person. The one I could call to vent to about anything under the sun because I knew if anyone was going to be able to understand it would be you.
The amount of pain that I'm feeling just because I feel like I lost a great friend, is heartbreaking. I wouldn't wish this feeling upon anyone. Things happen for a reason though. It hurts but i need to accept it. I love you like a sister and I don't think that'll change. I'll never forget what you've done. I'll forever be grateful and I just wish the absolute best for you.