Dear Fibromyalgia,
I think it’s time we got to talking, you’ve been (unknowingly to me) squatting rent free in my body a while now and we’re only just getting acquainted. I am rather relieved to know it’s you and not something more malicious weaving pain through my tissues, self-doubt encircling my mind, and great sadness flowing beyond my heart. You make it so convenient and easy to be furious with you, to blame you for every cell that feels “off” within me, and for how disconnected and resentful I feel to the home of my soul, the one that continues to be betray me time and time again. I’m done fighting you and putting on the armor needed to combat you day in and day out. Instead, today I choose to forgive you…
For the days you leave me in a tearful writhing heap of agony on the floor, the bed, at work, in my seat – without a care what I'm in the middle of or what is important to me, for giving no fucks about my personal agenda or goals. I forgive you.
For the restless nights while my muscles spasm, my jaw grinds my teeth in to oblivion, and you keep not only me, but my devoted and loving partner from rest and the REM sleep desperately needed to face another day under the blanket of your mistreatment. I forgive you.
For the countless events, dates, dinners, parties, and appointments I have had to cancel last minute or avoid planning and attending altogether, the cracks in relationships from this consistent inconsistency, and the unrelenting feeling of failing others. I forgive you.
For when I am completely sensory overwhelmed from light, sound, touch and can’t stand to even talk to a single person, yet find myself crumpling in a loud and obnoxious energy filled staff room, at a boisterous family dinner, or in the frenetic energy of demanding traffic. I forgive you.
For the anger and impatience you bring out in me, of the ugliest version brewed from the fibers of my aching joints and pounding headache, from my nausea and consuming exhaustion, hurting the people I love the most when they least deserve the onslaught of my negativity. I forgive you.
For the shame and anxiety that have been the most detrimental to my mental health, the creeping worry, the doubting of my own sanity while left wondering if I’m hallucinating the buffet of bullshit symptoms you aggressively spoon feed me daily. I forgive you.
There are hundreds of instances I could blame you for, thousands of moments which to condemn you… But what I really want is unity. To accept you, to learn from you how to be the best most well managed version of myself, to find greater wellness, even in your shadows that lurk at the corner of my days, and at the core of my body. I am not an unwell person fighting off a disease, I am a well person choosing to broaden my health identity and be kind to myself, and that includes you. There can be ease in disease, and I will find it.
Sincerely,
Melinda Stittle, Your Hostess
