Subject: An Open Letter to the father of my unborn child
Date: 26 Jun 2016
I know that I have to forgive you, but i can not fucking forget. The harder i try, the worse it gets. So i guess here this goes. I could go on about all the thing you "told me" and "promised me" but why bother, you should know, afterall you said them. But, despite all the shit we went through, when we found out I was pregnant, which came as no surprise seeing as you did nothing to prevent it, why didn't that mame you realize you needed to grow up? I understand we were babies ourself, 15 years old wasn't the age i seen myself pregnant. But it was all so real and happening. I know we weren't together, and that was okay, it was mutual. But reguardless of all the shit we went through, why leave her? Not her as in me, but her as in your daughter. The daughter that would have loved you and seen that you did no wrong in her tiny little eyes. That wouldv'e slept on your chest and smiled back at you as she woke up. A tiny innocent life, that would have mumbled the words daddy and completed your entire world. You gave all of that up. Not only that, but tou gave it up before it could even happen. All because what? You didn't want the responsibility? You didn't want to quote "look at a baby that you didn't even want" ? How selfish. It's still a blur as to how a human could say the thkngs you've said to me, to another human being. Why did you suggest abortion? What about me and my opinion? That didn't matter? All because you wanted to play football? Or save your own ass? Why did i have to pay for it all? Those are just some of the things I'll never understand. Aside from that, even now 2 years later. You dont even sit and wonder what life would have been like had you made the right decision? I do. I think about her all the time. I wonder if she'd look like you more or me more. I think she'd have your lips and eyes and my nose. Definatley your curly hair when you were a baby lol. She'd have the biggest most happiest smile, it'd be so contagious. She'd have that perfect medium skin tone, darker than mine but lighter that yours. I wonder if she'd say mommy or daddy first. Or if she'd be a little brat lol. She'd be spoiled for sure. I'd hold her when she cried and wouldnt put her down until i knew she felt better, because if she was sad, i would be too. Her little laugh would calm me down on my worst days. She'd remind me so much of you though. I'd look at her and by looking at her precious, innocent face, i'd be reassured that you weren't completely horrible because the one good thing you did in life would be giving me her. I know deep down she'd make you feel all those things too. We could have loved her together and enjoyed having created something to make us proud in the long run and steer in the right direction. She wouldve been the calm of our storm. When she took her first steps, it would scare me to death, but i'd sit there in awe, because i was watching her grow, and she could only continue to grow stronger from that point. And when she finally said her first words, i would bust into tears because her voce would be just as beautiful as her. I would only fill her head with positive things about the world and about you. I'd never talk you down to her. She deserved to have her own opinion of you. But now, none of these things will ever happen. But i don't only see negative in our situation. No matter how much it hurts. Now she gets to watch me grow, she gets to watch me take my first steps into adulthood. She gets to watch me make mistakes and then steer me in the right direction. Somehow i always feel her with me. Sounds cliché but, its true. When im upset, it feels like she's right here. Even now as i write this. So yes, i have an incredible amout of negative feelings towords you, thats obvious. But i'd never been able to come out of the whole i was in if it wasnt for her, and I wouldnt have her if it werent for you. But i hope you sit to yourself and think, was it worth it? I can only hope shes watching over you and leading you in the right direction. Because i know her beautiful soul could even have an inpact on the worst person.