An Open Letter From Eva Mendes' Sweatpants

Subject: An Open Letter From Eva Mendes' Sweatpants
From: Sweatpants
Date: 23 Mar 2015

Dear Eva and married women everywhere,

Hey, no hard feelings. I get it. You want to look your best for your boo, and I have somehow become the poster child for letting yourself go. (I'm giving Faded Hoodie from College the side eye, but whatever.) I know I'm slouchy and sloppy and usually unflattering.

But I don't cause divorce! People cause divorce. If anything, I can be good for marriage. Really.

First of all, I make all your other clothes look hot. Wear those pencil skirts and skinny jeans all the time and Ryan will just get used to it. Change out of me and into that dress and he'll take notice. Wow, what a transformation! (Anyway, you know Ryan thinks your hot no matter what.)

Secondly, wearing me sends him an important message: "I am not my husband's toy." Because you're not. Ryan, take your hands off your wife for five minutes, will you? We know she's gorgeous, but she can't have you pawing at her all the time. You know? Sweatpants say, "Bae, between you and the baby, if one more person touches me I'm going to LOSE IT DO YOU HEAR ME? I need a time out."

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Wearing me takes pressure off of him, too. If you're dressed up all the time, how is Ryan supposed to relax around you? Maybe he wants to wear sweats, too.

Ugh, still hot. How does he do that?!?

Life is hard. Sometimes you just need to wear comfortable clothing.

I'm not saying you should wear me all the time, every day, everywhere. I'm just saying, I mean well. I'm not out to destroy your marriage, unlike those orange Crocs.