Picture this: You've had the worst day at work are physically and emotionally drained, and you open the door to your gorgeous woman smiling at you, wearing only stilettos and fishnet thigh-highs and holding your favorite cold beverage ...
Want this life? Read on ...
When you need to use the restroom, close the door. Every single time. See, we used to think it was cute you felt so comfortable around us, but, eventually, we're going to think it's nas-tay. If we ask you why you started closing the door, let us know that you're just trying to save our marriage. Also, make sure you tell us the same thing. Don't be rude about it, though. We are highly sensitive. Say something like, "Hey, baby, you know I love all of your body and hotness, but, if your body wants to kick something out of itself, I don't want anything to do with that junk either. Let's just eject stuff in private." We'll both laugh, and thank each other in 10 years.
Look, we didn't know you actually had nose hairs, and we really didn't need to see you trim them. Honestly, we thought only dudes over 80 had those ... Not you. So, save us from that cringe moment and trim those hairs during private time.
When we're angry, unless you want us to take our anger up to psycho-punch-out-can't-even-breathe anger level, never, ever, ever tell us to calm down, relax, or it'll be okay. Read this sentence until you internalize it.
Read it one more time.
We love that you love your dog. We even thought it was cute you let her lick the inside of your mouth. That's love. But, it's time to choose. That's right. Choose. Do you want her tongue inside of your mouth or mine? These are mutually exclusive options.
Menstrual cycles: the struggle is real. Love us from a distance during this time. Please don't ask us for a blowjob because our V is "temporarily out of order,"unless you want it replaced with an indefinite "closed" sign.
When we bend over to pick up a dirty diaper, this is not the time to dry hump our backside. Now, if you pick that diaper up for us, trash it, pour us a glass of wine, prepare a bubble bath and place a "do not disturb" sign on the bathroom door for 30 minutes of private time (we mean just us, not you), you will have one of the most memorable nights of your life, as we emerge from our bath as a seductive, slightly-tipsy, inspired, rejuvenated and love-filled woman of the night.
We just had mind-blowing sex, you:
A). Are already sleeping as we roll your body off of ours.
B). Run to the restroom to wash your hands at least twice and a dab of sanitizer for good measure.
C). Say, "damn, girl, you're even hornier than ."
D). Whisper how amazing we are and how amazing you feel in that moment.
The answer is D. The only answer is D. If you have ever done A or B, please never do those again. If you've ever done C, be thankful you're here to read this.
When you see an attractive woman, we don't want to know. If you've got a celebrity crush, don't tell us. You think we don't have a hot guy at work we see everyday? Of course we do, but we don't tell you. We don't want you to ever question our desire for you. We know you think other women are hot, but we will question your desire for us for the rest of our lives if you remind us.
Never stop telling us we're sexy. Our sensuality and sexuality are part of our DNA, and, if we don't feel desired, we lose a part of ourselves. If we gain a pound or two, (or 40, especially while we're carrying your offspring) tell us we're sexier than the day before. We all have an inner tigress inside of us, and we want to bring her out. We want to take all of your manliness and get up in that goodness, but you may need to bring it out sometimes.
You've seen us at our best, and you've seen us at our worst. We've seen you at your best, and we've seen you at your worst. We chose each other, and we want to make your life more amazing than you ever dreamed. Let us be who we are and let us love you.
And, trust us, we will answer the door as described above, and we may even invite a friend (Nope. Nope. Nope. Don't even ask. That was a joke.).
Love,
Women
