Dear Aubrey,
First off, congratulations on your success of finally making it from the bottom. You’ve done Toronto proud. Thanks to you, American children can at least point relatively close to our city on the map. Maybe not on the first try, but they’re getting there. You’ve mingled with the cream of the crop of celebrity culture, had a politician put on for you and even became the global ambassador for the Raptors. Which brings me here, to basketball.
You’ve had a long, documented history of looking at superstar athletes like they’re the love of your life. But to do so, you had to travel far and wide, switch jerseys, take private planes. That’s just too much work and money, so if you listen to me, we may just bring some stars to Toronto so you can smother them with your affection right here, in your home city, in the area code somewhere between the five and the seven. You can do it.
Athletes like attention, they like feeling loved and being in the centre of everything. This manifests itself the most during the offseason when athletes are the least loved and least in the middle of everything. They’re on vacation. Or with their kids. Or both, although who brings kids on vacation? They want to be “homies.” I mean, look, Kevin Durant was here for OVO, I’m presuming other players were too. You took Kobe out for dinner once, trying to close down a whole restaurant. I’m sure Boogie likes you too somehow. It’s all there.
OVO Fest is a time where people fly down to Toronto to see you Drake, to see the show you put on as well as the artists you so generously invite and put on for the rest of us. It’s about you. But you are the Raptors. You are the North. Make it about them. So hear me out.
OVO Fest is the marquee event and odds are you have already handwritten (in perfect calligraphy), signed and dated next years invitations to the NBA elite. Odds are they will be there, so how do we turn their presence at one of the most overpriced, possibly overrated yet culturally relevant events into a recruitment session? Well…
The Raptors automatically get first dibs on meeting with any notable free agent. Masai can even set up a small portable office front stage and they can negotiate over melodic serenade about your woes. Actually, probably something more motivational and upbeat, like 100 to a Hundred. Or a Kanye song.
What they get is a perspective of Toronto that’s more than just a small office at the ACC, with a downtown view similar to other metropolises. They get the view of our culture, pride and most of all they get to feel what it’s like when every bandwagon fan in the city comes out to cheer their name. The fans will yell “KD” at the top of our lungs as the negotiation moves on.
You get to spend time with all of these guys as their private ambassador to the city. We’ve seen the photos, we know this is your chance to impress. You get to drive them around the city in your Phantom or in the back of your Escalade. Show them what Toronto is all about. Give them the flavor. Just maybe don’t take them past Kennedy Road.
The fans will give both OVO Fest and the FAs the undivided attention they so desperately deserve. Let’s face it. You don’t want to compete with Caribana, Veld and Osheaga. It’s just not financially shrewd. I mean, those are cheaper events within the same vicinity (I can literally fly to MTL and get an Osheaga ticket for cheaper than I would get OVO, and I live like 5 minutes walking from the venue). And with the added chance of NBA superstar cameos, who wouldn’t drop two months’ rent on the experience.
The Raptors will come off as cool and cultured. I mean, we’re already in the different country, we need to prove that we can understand these players. So what better way to do it than the most bland, copy event ever that we would see anywhere else. We already stack it with American artists just to fit in, might as well go all the way.
We get a free tryout at OVO Bounce, a yearly tournament when all the “influencers” in the city pretend like they’re relevant as they get together for an overrated basketball tournament and post a ton of Instagram pictures. Marginal NBA stars have been known to show up too. Now you get superstars participating and they get to feel the atmosphere of playing in Toronto, even if half the crowd is too busy Snapchatting instead of watching the game.
It’s time Drake. It’s time to take one for the team. It’s time to put one on for your city. The Six needs you. The Raptors need you. We all need you. Save us.
Sincerely from T.Dot,
Armchair Sports.
