An Open Letter to the Church that Beoke My Heart,
I am writing this letter while on a personal journey of forgiveness. I have learned that there are certain hurts in life that cannot be forgotten; they need to be dealt with. Therefore I am writing this letter as a means to let you know the pain and hurt you have caused, however unintentional it may have been, in my life.
For years I attended your church, a church where I felt loved and accepted for who I was. There weren't many children around my age, especially after the pastors family left, so I often sat with my Dad and the men for coffee time after the service. I never knew this was an issue. I always felt accepted at the table. That was until someone mad an off-hand comment to me one Sunday after church. "Why do you always follow your Dad around at church? Why don't you hang out with the people your own age?" This comment showed me two things. One, I was not welcome or accepted at the "men's" table. And two, nobody really cared whether I fit in at this church. Because what this man didn't bother to take into consideration was that there was no one at church my own age, so to hang out with people my own age, I would have had to be by myself. It's hard to put into words the hurt and damage that this one comment gave to my young, teenage self. For the next three years of high school I bounced from my moms table, to the kids table and occasionally to the men's table, but never truly feeling like I belonged anywhere. My inability to fit in wasn't just at church. I started to notice how much I was on the outside everywhere that I went. I was alone in my family; my younger brothers were close and my sisters were friends, then there was me. At school, I didn't really fit perfectly into a group. I hung out with the 'cooler' kids but never really showed them who I truly was for fear of rejection. On the other side, I was friends with the 'youth group' kids but didn't completely fit in there either, as it always felt like I attended the wrong church. So here I was, hanging in limbo, somewhere in the middle. You have no idea the anxiety that comes from entering the cafeteria EVERY day of high school and having no idea where to sit; where I would actually be accepted and feel welcome to sit.
My first year of college I finally got sick of deciding where to sit during coffee time after the Church service, so I decided to volunteer to teach Sunday School for an entire year, so I could miss the awkward coffee time altogether. This was the best and worst decision Ive ever made. Through teaching these 3/4year olds I fell in love with teaching and knew without a doubt it was my passion in life. But I also realized that all the church really cared about was what I could give it; never mind what it could give me (or should have been giving me.) Throughout the next couple years my family and I had many struggles with the church. Among other things, the one situation that stands out was the issue with music. A few families in the church were interested in adding some contemporary songs to the worship service. I can still feel the anger and hurt when you all stood like stone, not letting out a sound throughout the whole song.
During my last year of university, the final straw was added and it broke the camels back. We found out that two young girls (both very dear to my heart) had been sexually assaulted by a youth leader/member of the church. It wasn't the act in particular (though disgusting and devastating as it was) that caused me anger with the whole church. It was the reaction after (or lack there-of). Promises were made to the families of these girls: "everyone knew what had happened", "we support you", "we love you"---none of this proving to be true. One family was no longer attending the church, and not one family went to visit the , offered their support, or sincerely apologized for what had happened. No one.
I don't write this letter as a stab at the church, or any one person in particular. But as a way to get my story out, my feelings out. For years I didn't feel like my feelings were valid, but they are. I was hurt, deeply by God's people. The people you would think you would be safest around. And it has impacted who I am to the very core. I struggle with letting people in; letting people see the real me. Because those I thought accepted me for who I was, took my trust in them, and slapped me in the face with it. I felt (and still sometimes feel) unworthy, like there is something wrong with me or something missing, and that's why I struggle to belong.
The passed three years I feel like I have been to Hell and back. I have been angry with God, angry with His people, angry with my family, and angry with myself. I have went through depressive episode after depressive episode. Days where I haven't been able to get out out of bed, days where I feel angry inside for no particular reason, and days where I feel so sad I could cry at the drop of a hat.
But God is good. He is constant. He has been by my side my entire life and carried me through my greatest troubles. I feel as if I am coming out of (hopefully) the darkest time of my life. I have friends who accept me exactly as I am (flaws and all) who I can call anytime of the day and I know they will be there. I am closer to my parents and siblings than I ever have been before (even though I've moved away;)). I have found a church that, although isn't perfect (no church is) makes me feel accepted and worthy. And above all else, I am closer to God than I ever have been. He is my strength when I am weak, the treasure that I seek, my All in All.
I write this letter, in hopes that whoever reads it, will examine their church and look for those on the outside. Those who don't quite fit. And look for ways to better include them in the church family. Don't turn people away from your group because they are different, don't exclude them or forget about them because they are the only one their age.
The church should be a place where everyone belongs, no matter who they are.
; My story isn't over yet ;
