There are some things that need to be said, and I think you should listen. I really thought you were different. Every kind word and thoughtful message sent my way didn’t just make me happy, it made me feel like I was someone. Not just a nameless nobody, but someone that another person was thinking about enough to send a message to. I was no longer the pathetically single girl sitting in her room laughing to another episode of The Office, or the girl cooking dinner for one, or the girl getting out of class with no new messages from anyone. I was someone with a personality, with a sense of humor, with a thought worth sharing. I was someone that resembled something more than a nameless nobody. I was someone with hope. And then just like that, it was gone. All of a sudden I didn’t matter anymore and I still don’t even know why.
Being ghosted is one of the most heartbreaking things to go through. Why? Because it makes you feel like less than a person. Like my existence not only doesn’t make you happy, but that it also matters none. Like my role in your life was so insignificant you couldn’t even afford me the goodbye you so fleetingly and willingly give to even the person serving you at a drive thru. Someone you know for less than a minute somehow gets a more proper goodbye than I did, and I can’t fathom why this is. I went from being someone worth being thought of to someone that didn’t even deserve an explanation or a warning.
I know they say your personal happiness shouldn’t be dependent on another person. But as strong and resilient as I am, I can’t help but adore the feeling and attention that comes with having someone to talk to and flirt with. I can’t help but smile when I get a nice message, and laugh when you make a joke, and just feel happy to have you around. So don’t blame me when I get upset that it disappears just like that. Don’t blame me for feeling grief over this loss of affection, no matter how insignificant it may seem to you.
I would say it’s your loss, but that’s not the whole story. It’s my loss too. I lost sleep checking my phone to see if you texted me back; I lost time wondering what could be keeping you so busy; I lost my temper when my friend asked why I seemed down and I let my frustration out on her; I lost valuable minutes, hours, and sometimes even days listening to sad music trying to convince myself to just move on; I lost my mind going over and over what all was said to figure out what I did wrong even though the problem isn’t me at all; and every single time I lost hope. Hope that one day this all would end and for once I would be wrong, that there was a legitimate reason keeping you from talking to me and that yes, you are in fact interested. I’ve lost hope so many times I started wondering if I would ever get it back. But you know what? I did. Every single time. But I need you to know something: it wasn’t easy and you weren’t worth it.
So here it is, that thing you didn’t have the courage to do yourself, even though you really don’t deserve it: goodbye, I hope life treats you well.
